


Soulbound

by Laughingvirus



Series: Tied to you by the string of fate [5]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: ?? - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Multi, Mystery, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2020-02-09 08:57:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 41,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18634939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laughingvirus/pseuds/Laughingvirus
Summary: A little boy with stars in his eyes and a journey ahead of him.





	1. The boy

 

 

 

 

As the music came to an end, Felix collapsed on the floor with a loud groan. There was another thud as Hyunjin too fell to the floor. The music, being set on loop, began to play again and Felix let out a loud whine in protest.

“Not again, _please_ ,” he begged as he stared up into the fluorescent lamps in the ceiling, his breathing heavy. His heart was hammering in his chest, his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead and he could almost taste blood. “I don’t think I can handle more.”

“Well you’re lucky then,” Minho said, sounding out of breath as he stopped the music. Felix would have raised his head to look at his friend but he was too busy trying not to die from exhaustion. “This was the last rep.”

“Thank _god_ ,” Hyunjin wheezed and Minho laughed, still out of breath as Felix forced himself to sit up.

“You two aren’t bad though,” Minho said, sitting down on the chair beside the speaker system in the studio. “Stamina wise,” he clarified and Hyunjin laughed. Felix snorted, amused grin on his lips. “And for first years,” he clarified further, shrugging.

“Thank you for wanting to collab with us though,” Hyunjin said, running a hand through his sweaty hair. “Didn’t think any second years would take us in,” he continued and Minho laughed, pushing his dark hair to the side.

“I’ve had fun so far,” Minho said, shrugging. There was a sort of collaboration between the first year and the second year dance students and Minho had kindly taken Felix and Hyunjin under his wing. The whole collaboration was a project for the first years to get more comfortable around the university as well to get to know each other and the other dance students. “I’m sure we’re gonna end up doing great,” he continued, leaning back against the wall.

“I’ve had fun too,” Felix said, taking a deep breath before he pushed himself off the ground. “I’m excited for the actual performance,” he beamed and Minho laughed, finally regaining his breath.

“I’m glad,” Minho said, smiling widely as Hyunjin got off the floor as well. He looked over the two of them before shifting his gaze towards the door in the back of the practice room. “Looks like your husband is here,” he said with a smug grin, eyes darting back to look at Felix.

Felix looked over his shoulder before turning back to Minho to roll his eyes at him. “Very funny,” he snorted. “Hi Chan!” he continued, spinning around to face Chan with a smile.

“I’m sorry if I’m interrupting,” Chan said as he leaned against the doorframe, amused smile on his lips. He was wearing a simple white t-shirt and black jeans, his bag thrown over his shoulder.

“We were just finishing up,” Minho said, standing up before walking over to the pile of bags. “How’s the collab going for you?”

“Great,” Chan said, his grin stretching wider. “We’re doing a collab with the second year as well so I’m actually working with Changbin as well.”

“Lucky,” Minho said, ignoring Hyunjin’s whines. “We had a lot of first year students this year,” he continued, shrugging as he looked at Felix and Hyunjin. “I’m pretty happy with my two first years though,” he said, grinning at the two of them. Chan just laughed.

“You make us sound like your pets or something,” Felix said as he slung his bag over his shoulder and he walked towards the door.

“You kind of are,” Minho retorted and Felix let out an exaggerated gasp, placing a hand on his chest. Chan laughed, grabbing a gentle hold of Felix’s arm.

“Come on little prince,” he said and Hyunjin snorted at the nickname.

“See you tomorrow,” Felix said, grin stretching on his lips as Chan let go of his arm. Minho and Hyunjin both waved as Felix and Chan exited the room.

“Bye!” Hyunjin called after them and Felix’s wave intensified before he closed the door behind him.

“Hey,” Chan said as Felix turned to face him again. “I was in the studio earlier and I thought I’d stop by to see if you were done.”

“Lucky you then,” Felix joked, playfully bumping his shoulder against Chan’s. “You still haven’t introduced me to your first year yet.”

“I was going to yesterday,” Chan said, playfully pushing Felix to the side and Felix’s grin just stretched wider. “But you were busy doing god knows what during lunch so you missed him.”

“Not fair,” Felix whined, pouting and Chan just laughed at him. “I had to help out before the performance next week.”

“I know,” Chan said, reaching out to ruffle Felix’s sweaty hair. “You can always meet Jisung tomorrow or something.”

“That sounds good,” Felix said, grin returning on his face. “I can’t believe it’s almost been a month and you still haven’t introduced us.”

“There has never really been a time for it,” Chan said almost nonchalantly, shrugging. “You’ve been busy, he’s been busy, I’ve been busy, everyone has been busy.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Felix sulked, glaring at Chan as Chan laughed again. “You could have just invited him over to our apartment or something. I wouldn’t have opposed.”

“You’re right,” Chan said and Felix hummed, nodding his head triumphantly. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.”

“Because you’re dumb,” Felix said, no bite in his words and Chan snorted, bumping his shoulder against Felix’s again. “But how’s the collab coming along? You’re due two weeks after us right?” he asked and Chan hummed. “I’m still waiting for you to show me a demo for it or something.”

“I can show you one when we get home,” Chan said and Felix’s expression brightened. “When you’ve showered. You stink.”

“You’re mean,” Felix said, pouting at Chan. “A horrible, horrible best friend,” he continued but he couldn’t help but smile. Chan just laughed and shook his head as they reached their apartment building. “Let’s hurry up so I can shower and listen to your demo already.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A shower and a bucket of fried chicken later, Felix was sitting in Chan’s bed as he waited for Chan to play him the demo. His hair was still wet, sticking to his forehead and he was dressed in the pajamas pants he’d received from Chan last year for his birthday. It was pastel purple checkered pants and he was just wearing a simple white shirt. The shirt might be Chan’s but it was in his closet so Felix considered the shirt his now.

“What are you doing?” he asked, moving closer to Chan’s desk to get a better view of the computer screen. Chan hummed, not immediately answering Felix as he continued with whatever he was doing. Felix could tell that he was working on the track but he had no idea how music production really worked so it didn’t make much sense to him.

“Just some edits on another track,” Chan said, not taking his eyes off the screen. “I just need to fix this real quick. Hold on.”

“No, no,” Felix said, moving back to sit in the middle of the bed again. “Take your time, I can just,” he laid back on Chan’s bed, sinking into the soft mattress, “lay here and stare at your roof.”

“Give me two seconds,” Chan said and Felix hummed, letting his eyes wander the glow in the dark stars on Chan’s ceiling. They were all placed in constellations according to Chan, but Felix had no idea what constellations Chan had tried to replicate because there weren’t anything Felix could recognize.

“Did you add some new stars to the ceiling?” Felix asked after a moment and Chan hummed, the sound of his fingers tapping still filling the room.

“I did,” he said, voice a bit distant and Felix figured that he was probably just focusing on the track he was working on. “My mom sent me a new pack of stars last week so I figured I had to put them somewhere. I like…” he trailed off, the sound of tapping dying out and Felix craned his neck to look at Chan. Chan had turned away from the computer, looking up at the ceiling. “I guess I like making my own constellations…” he said slowly. “And I have way too many glow in the dark stars.”

“I’m… going to agree with you on that,” Felix said, laughing as he sat up again. “But I like it,” he continued, grinning widely. “Now are you going to show me the demo tonight? If you don’t I might fall asleep on your bed.”

“Alright, alright,” Chan said, grin stretching on his lips as he turned back to his computer. “Here,” he said after a heartbeat of silence before pressing play.

The music faded in and Felix was unable to hold back the smile as he heard Changbin’s signature ‘yoh’. The beat of the song was heavy and Felix found himself nodding along to the beat. The first rapper was a new voice, unfamiliar and he looked up at Chan.

“That’s Jisung,” Chan said and Felix nodded, listening closely to the flow. It was really nice and he wasn’t going to lie; Jisung’s flow was really impressive. The song continued towards the chorus and Chan’s voice took over after Jisung.

“Oh I really like this,” Felix said as the chorus came to an end and Changbin’s verse began. Felix listened intently, nodding along as he listened to Changbin’s every word before Chan’s part for the chorus came again. Felix glanced up at Chan and he smiled as he spotted the proud smile on Chan’s lips as Chan stared at the computer.

“It’s still a demo and the sound is a bit rough,” Chan said as the song came to an end and Felix hummed.

“It’s good. Jisung is really good. You’re all really good. I didn’t hear anything that sounded off but then again I’m just a dancer,” he said and Chan laughed, leaning back in his chair. “You’re so good with music. How?”

“Dunno,” Chan said, wide grin on his lips as he shrugged. “But I’m really proud of it this far.”

“It’s great,” Felix said, stifling a yawn before standing up. “I think I’m gonna go to bed. I feel like I’m about to collapse and I guess you want your bed to yourself.”

Chan just shrugged. “You look like you’re about to fall over though. You better go and get some of that good sleep. While you can you know?”

“Yeah,” Felix said, nodding his head as he headed towards the door. “Try to not stay up all night, will you?”

“I’ll try,” Chan said and Felix nodded, eyes crinkling as he smiled. “Goodnight Felix.”

“Goodnight Chan.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Felix woke up with a startle and he sat up immediately. His heart was pounding in his chest, blood rushing in his ears and his breathing was harsh. He grasped with his hand at the front of his shirt, trying to calm his harsh breathing and racing heart.

He was okay. He was okay. He was okay.

He was in his room, in his and Chan’s shared apartment. He was safe and sound. He didn’t have to worry about anything.

Pale silver light filtered through the blinds of his window and when his heart had calmed down, he turned to look at the clock. It was two in the morning. He fell back on his pillow with a sigh, staring up into the dark ceiling. It was at times like this when Felix really wished he also had the glow in the dark stars like Chan had. Maybe he should ask for some.

He continued to stare up into the dark void, wide away and heart drumming in his chest. He groaned, turning over to his side. He needed the sleep. He had a quiz to study for in the morning and he needed his brain to be refreshed and well rested.

“Why are you like this?” he mumbled out loud to no one in particular. He just wanted to sleep, but his mind was wide awake. With another sigh, he pulled the blanket off and stood up. He padded across the wooden floor and carefully pushed his door open. His door in particular was prone to creaking and he really didn’t want to make any noises, in case Chan was asleep.

Now Chan was… rarely asleep during the nights. He mostly took naps during the day and tonight seemed to be no exception. Felix could see a faint light coming from the kitchen and as he rounded the corner, he saw Chan leaning against the counter with a cup in his hand.

“I really hope that’s not coffee,” Felix said, voice a bit raspy as he entered the kitchen. Chan turned his head to look at him, shaking his head slowly.

“Nah,” he said, tilting the cup a little for Felix to see. The liquid in the cup was a warm brown and not the usually black coffee that Chan stuck to. “I’m still trying the tea remedy.”

“Is it working?”

“I don’t know. Hasn’t worked for me yet,” Chan said and Felix hummed, rubbing his eye. His body felt heavy, screaming for sleep but he knew all too well that he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. “Want a cup?”

“Yes please,” he said, voice small and his shoulders slumped. Chan hummed and placed his cup to the side, turning around to boil some water for Felix’s tea. “I’m really tired,” he said as the low hum of the water boiler began to sound. His shoulders slumped.

“I know,” Chan said, walking over to him. As soon as he reached Felix, Felix leaned in to rest his head on Chan’s shoulder. “Do you want to put on a TV series or something and just try to…” he trailed off, thinking for a moment. “We probably won’t fall asleep but we can always rest a little.”

“Yeah,” Felix said quietly as Chan rubbed his back in an attempt to soothe him. “I’d like that.”

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You look like death,” Seungmin said as Felix sat down in the library. Seungmin was looking refreshed and well rested, dressed up with his checkered shirt buttoned all the way up and two cups of coffee on the table beside his laptop. Felix knew he looked like a slob with his sweatpants and hoodie, but in this moment he didn’t care.

“Thank you,” Felix said, immediately resting his forehead against the table. “I feel like death.”

“Sleepless night?” Seungmin asked and Felix hummed, not bothering to reply. “You wanna talk about it?”

“No, I want to die,” Felix groaned. “I don’t want to study,” he whined, looking up from the desk. “I _really_ don’t want to study.”

“Understandable,” Seungmin said, leaning back in his chair as Felix straightened his back and began to pull out his books out of his bag. “But you got a quiz on friday, no?”

“Yeah,” Felix said, running a hand through his hair as he looked at his books. Human anatomy. He wasn’t going to even get a passing grade if his week continued like this. “I guess I’ll just die.”

“Now it can’t be that bad, right?” Seungmin said, reaching over the table to grab Felix’s flashcards. “I said I’d help you study for this quiz, didn’t I?”

“I really appreciate it,” Felix said, murmuring a ‘thank you’ as Seungmin handed him one of the cups of coffee. As he took a sip of the coffee, grimacing a little at the bitter taste on his tongue, Seungmin began to look through the flashcards. “Why do we need to study the anatomy.”

“Probably to know what muscle groups you need to keep in shape to avoid getting injuries,” Seungmin replied casually, still reading the flashcards. “Like how you might need a strong hamstring muscle to keep the tibia in place to prevent a variety of knee injuries. You can’t rely on only the ligaments if you’re going to try and pursue a career involving a lot of quick turns and spins.”

“I forgot you have an answer to everything,” Felix groaned, rubbing his face with his free hand. “God I’m so tired,” he sighed, shoulder slumping as he took another sip of his coffee.

“We can do it in shorter intervals,” Seungmin said and Felix hummed, lips still pressed against the plastic lid of the coffee cup. “And when we’re done, you should really go and get a nap or something. You look like you’re about to drop dead.”

“I’ll nap after lunch or something,” Felix said, waving his hand in the air dismissively. Seungmin just raised an eyebrow, clearly not impressed. “Chan is bringing Jisung to lunch and I can’t miss him again. It’s been way too long since we began uni and I still haven’t met Jisung.”

“Fair point.”

“Have you met him?” Felix asked, trying to blink awake. The coffee was starting to kick in and he was starting to feel much, much better than he had been when he sat down. “Jisung I mean.”

“Yes I have,” Seungmin said, leaning back in his chair after organizing the flash cards in a neat pile on the table. “He’s a nice guy. I think you two are going to click.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Seungmin said, shrugging a little. “He seems like kind of your type.”

“Oh so I have a type now?” Felix asked, raising an eyebrow. A grin stretched on Seungmin’s lips and he laughed.

“He’s pretty outgoing, funny, loud, affectionate,” he said and Felix hummed.

“What if your idea of my type is completely wrong?” Felix said, wiggling his eyebrows. “We’ve been friends for a long time Seungmin. Surely you know I don’t have a type.”

“Hm,” Seungmin said, nodding his head a little but the grin remained. “Well then,” he continued, reaching out to take the card on the top of the pile. “Now when we’ve discussed your allegedly non-existent type, shall we begin?”

Felix sighed. “Yeah,” he said, leaning closer to Seungmin. “Let’s just get it over with.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Felix and Seungmin sat down at their usual time, joining Hyunjin and Minho. The two of them looked busy, with Hyunjin’s phone in front of them as they stared at it.

“Hey,” Felix said and they both looked up. “What’s up?”

“We were just looking at a choreography by Ohad Naharin,” Minho said and Felix let out a small ‘oh’. Seungmin looked between the three of them, raising an eyebrow as he waited for someone to explain it to him.

“I’ll show you his choreographies tonight,” Hyunjin promised, reaching out to pat Seungmin on the arm. “How did the studying go?” he continued, shifting his gaze to Felix. “No offence but you kind of look like you’re about to drop dead.”

“Didn’t have a great night,” Felix said and Hyunjin hummed. Minho opened his mouth to say something but shut it as Woojin joined them. He moved his chair a little to the side to let Woojin sit down beside him. “Hi Woojin.”

“Hello,” Woojin greeted, giving them all a small nod. “How is university treating you?” he asked as he looked over Hyunjin and Felix. “You look alive but just barely.”

“I’m having a great time,” Felix replied, shrugging as he went back to his food. “It’s been a rough week with sleep.”

“Neither you or Chan sleep very well,” Seungmin pointed out and Felix hummed. “Solidary sleeplessness or something?”

“Possible,” Felix said, rubbing his eye. “I’m gonna go and nap after lunch or something.”

“A nap sounds really good,” Chan said and Felix turned around to see Chan, along with Changbin and a young man he’d never seen before, approach the table. “You look awful.”

“Same goes to you,” Felix fired back and Chan laughed, running a hand through his silver curls. “You’re like double dead. I’m just dead.”

“I suppose you’re right,” he said as the three of them sat down. “Felix, this is Jisung,” he continued, turning to gesture towards the third person. “The rest of you have already met Jisung. This is the first year I’m taking care of.”

“Hello Jisung,” Felix said, reaching over Chan to shake Jisung’s hand. “I’m Felix, Chan’s roommate. It’s very nice to finally meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Felix,” Jisung said, a wide and warm grin on his lips as he let go of Felix hand. He was cute, Felix noted as he looked him over. Round cheeks, wide brown eyes that crinkled into cute crescent moons as he smiled. He didn’t look anything like Felix had expected when he heard him rap. But then again Felix wasn’t sure what he had been expecting at all when he heard Jisung rap.

As the rest of the table began to ask Jisung some questions and Jisung easily engaged in conversation, Felix found himself space out a little as he watched the other. His mind drifted off, to the performance, to the quiz and he could just feel his eyelids get heavier. He would have to hurry back home after lunch or he’d fall asleep somewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Felix dragged his feet behind him as he walked out of his room the following day. The night had been horrible. He had not been able to get many minutes of rest and he was feeling awful. He just thanked the gods that he only had practice with Hyunjin and Minho today and a shorter study session with Seungmin.

“Hey,” Chan said as Felix entered the kitchen. He looked way more awake and fresh than Felix and Felix felt extremely jealous. “Bad night?”

“Yeah,” Felix murmured as he poured himself a cup of coffee. “You look like you had a good night.”

“I did,” Chan said, chuckling as Felix muttered a ‘jealous’ into his coffee. “I think it’s only fair because like 90% of my nights are bad. You’re at a like 70%. That’s much better than my average night.”

“I know,” Felix said, taking a big sip of coffee and he grimaced at both the temperature of the coffee as well as the bitter taste on his tongue. “Do you have late classes today or what?”

“I don’t have any classes at all,” Chan said and Felix hummed, nodding his head a little. “I’m gonna hang out a little with Jisung, he needed some help with studying for his upcoming test and I thought I’d help him out.”

“That’s nice of you,” Felix said, leaning against the counter. There was a pause as Felix nursed his cup of coffee, trying to wake himself up a bit. “Where does Jisung live? On campus?” he asked and Chan looked back at him, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah he’s in a dorm room,” he said slowly and Felix shuddered at the mere thought of a dorm room. “A single one though. He’s pretty lucky.”

“I don’t wanna imagine what it’s like to share living space with someone you don’t know,” Felix said and Chan grimaced. “I’m thankful we were able to get an apartment together. My mom is glad I could room with you as well.”

“Someone has to be your babysitter,” Chan replied casually, shrugging. A smug grin stretched on his lips as Felix swatted a weak hand in his direction. Chan raised his arm to glance at his wrist watch. “I gotta go. Gotta meet Jisung in a bit.”

“Alright,” Felix said as Chan headed out of the kitchen. “Say hi to Jisung from me and have a good day.”

“I will and thanks,” Chan said, grinning at Felix. “Good luck studying for Friday!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I didn’t die,” Felix announced as he and Hyunjin sat down at the table for lunch. Woojin, who currently was the only one sitting at their usual table, a book open in front of him but as Felix and Hyunjin sat down he quickly closed it. “I almost died, but I lived.”

“Well that’s something at least,” Woojin said, offering Felix a warm smile. “I heard from Seungmin that it’s been a rough week.”

“Yeah,” Felix sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I didn’t get a lot of sleep this week. But it’s over. It’s Friday and I did okay on the quiz. I think next week will be better though.”

“I hope so,” Woojin said and Felix hummed, taking a bite of his food. “You have the performance next week, right?”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin replied as Felix had stuffed his mouth full of food. “It’s on friday evening. I can send you the event later today and you can just check the details.”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Woojin said, eyes shifting away from Hyunjin and Felix to look behind them. “Hey Seungmin,” he said just as Seungmin appeared by their table. He quickly moved over to the other side to sit down beside Woojin. “How was choir?”

“Fun I guess,” Seungmin said, shrugging. Woojin hummed and both Minho and Chan joined them. Minho sat down beside Woojin and Chan sat down beside Felix. He gave Felix a quick glance and a smile. He looked really tired as well and Felix just prayed that the two of them would get more sleep this weekend. “The first years are doing pretty well, for being kids you know.”

“You’re literally the same age as many of them,” Hyunjin pointed out as he sat down on the other side of Felix and Felix just gave Seungmin an unimpressed look. “Don’t act so high and mighty just because you got to skip a year ahead in school,” he continued in a teasing tone and Seungmin playfully just stuck out his tongue.

“I can’t help that I’m smarter than you,” he retorted and Chan snorted. Woojin looked very amused as he looked between them and Minho was just laughing.

“He got a point though,” Felix said, bumping his shoulder lightly with Hyunjin. “He is pretty damn smart. We dumb, Hyunjin.”

“That’s a pretty on point statement, Felix,” Minho agreed and Hyunjin let out a strangled whine. “Not that it’s necessarily a bad thing. You two are very endearing, don’t worry,” he continued and Chan chuckled.

“This is the point where you’re a good best friend and say ‘no Felix, you’re not dumb. Don’t say those things about yourself’,” Felix stage whispered to Chan, causing most people around the table to snort.

“I can’t lie though,” Chan said and Felix placed a hand on his chest, letting out an exaggerated gasp.

“How dare you call me, your best friend, dumb?”

“You’re being very dramatic,” Chan said, his eyes flashing with something as the words left his lips. Felix just raised an eyebrow but before he could ask, Changbin and Jisung sat down at the table.

“Hey,” Jisung greeted as he sat down on the other side of Hyunjin. He offered Felix a wide smile and Felix flashed him a warm smile in return.

They kept chatting about everyday things over lunch, practices, demo tracks, homeworks and upcoming exams. Fridays were always pretty laid back as they discussed weekend plans. Minho was going to leave the city for the weekend to go on a short trip with one of the third years and his friends. Hyunjin was going to stay back to continue practicing. Changbin’s mother’s birthday was this weekend so he would go back home to celebrate her.

As Felix stood up to leave with Hyunjin and Minho, for a last practice for the week all three of them, Jisung stood up as well and Felix blinked as Jisung walked up to him.

“Felix,” he said, voice low and Felix raised an eyebrow as he looked at the others around the table. They had all been looking at Felix and Jisung but at Felix glance, they all went back to whatever they had been doing. “We haven’t had a lot of time to chat.”

“No we haven’t,” Felix agreed, nodding his head a little. “Would you like a coffee some day?”

“I- what?”

“Or do you prefer tea maybe?” Felix asked. Jisung chuckled, lips stretching into a wide smile.

“I was gonna ask if you wanted to get coffee some day,” he said and Felix laughed, eyes crinkling into crescent moons as he did. “You beat me to it.”

“Looks like I did,” Felix said, still smiling. “Wanna go and grab some next week? I think I’ll live in the hellhole that is the practice room with Hyunjin this weekend. And you were leaving for the weekend as well right?”

“Yeah,” Jisung said, rubbing his arm. “My mom really wants me to come home for a bit.”

“Better go see your mom then,” Felix said and Jisung hummed. “But next week?”

“Yes!” Jisung said and Felix’s stomach did a small, excited swoop. True to what Jisung had said, they hadn’t had time to talk a lot and Felix loved getting to know new people. He really wanted to get to know Jisung. “I’ll see you then.”

“Come on, Felix,” Minho called out and Felix threw a glance over his shoulder. Minho was tapping his foot impatiently and sent Felix a pointed look.

“Gotta go,” he said, grinning at Jisung and the others at the table. “Bye guys!” he said, waving his hand to all of them before he turned around to follow Minho and Hyunjin back to the practice room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey Felix,” Chan said. His voice was muffled by the music that was playing in Felix’s earphones but Felix quickly removed them as he heard Chan’s voice. He looked up from his book, only to see Chan in the doorway. Chan was leaning against the doorframe to Felix’s room, wearing a simple white tee and black sweatpants and his arms crossed. Felix could see a few of the black inked birds on his forearm, but most of it hidden from sight in the moment.

“Hey,” he said, blinking as he tilted his head a little. “What’s up?”

“There’s a box here for you,” Chan said, pushing away from the door frame to stand upright again. “It’s from your mom.”

“Oh?” Felix said as he placed his earphones to the side and stood up. Chan nodded wordlessly and Felix followed him towards the front door.

“Yeah I just had the mailman leave it here,” he said as Felix spotted the box. It was a cardboard box. It wasn’t that big, a size or two smaller than the average moving box and taped all around to keep intact. “It’s heavy.”

“Really?” Felix said, tilting his head a little.

“Yeah,” Chan said as Felix crouched down to inspect it. It was indeed from his mother. “Any idea of what it can be?” he asked but Felix just shook his head, looking closer to the little note on the cardboard box.

 

To my lovely son Felix ♡  


 

“When was the last time you called your mother?” Chan asked and Felix snapped his head up to look at him. Chan was grinning widely and Felix just swatted a hand at him. “Next time you call her, tell her I said hi.”

“I will,” Felix promised as he picked up the box. “Oh shit you weren’t kidding.”

“I’m actually really curious on what’s in there,” Chan said and Felix nodded, glancing down at the box. Curiosity was beginning to bloom in his chest and he bit his lip as he looked down at the box. He had no idea what his mother could possibly have sent him. “I’ll ask you in the morning though,” he continued and Felix looked up at him, eyes wide.

“You’re going somewhere?” he asked. “Because it’s only eleven, you can’t possibly be thinking of sleep at this hour.”

“Nah,” Chan said, laughing as he ran a hand through his messy silver hair. “I was gonna work on some tracks but I thought I’d give you some privacy. I don’t wanna be nosy. I’ll be nosy and ask you about Jisung and the box later.”

“That’s nice of you,” Felix said and Chan shrugged, grin on his lips.

“I’m a nice guy. What can I say?” he said and Felix would have punched his arm or something if he wasn’t carrying the box. “I better get started with the music. I’ll see you in the morning Felix.”

“Goodnight,” Felix said, despite knowing that the chances of Chan actually sleeping were slim.

“Goodnight,” Chan said, his smile dimming ever so slightly as Felix entered his room and he turned around to go to his own room. Felix threw a glance after Chan, biting his lip as he walked over to the bed with the box.

He dropped the box on the bed, his arms aching from carrying the heavy box. He gave it a look before walking over to his desk to get a pair of scissors. He carefully began to remove all the tape from the box and he tossed the scissors to the side when he finished. He opened the box and peered inside.

As he laid his eyes on the content of the box, his stomach churned. As he looked through the box he could see a few books and photo albums. Then he spotted the things he had almost expected to see. The journals. Each journal was numbered. One, two, three, four, five, six. He bit his lip and glanced to the side, to his bedside table and the small, black journal that laid there. Seven.

On top of the books were a little note from his mother. He picked it up, his hands trembling ever so slightly.

 

Hello Felix.

I’ve been cleaning out the garage and I found some books that belongs to you. I thought you might want to take a look at them and decide for yourself if you want to keep them or not. I hope Korea is treating you well. 

I love you.

Mom ♡  


 

Felix exhaled, his heart beating loudly in his chest. As he looked over the books, he could see that it was mostly just fiction. It was all the books he used to read when he couldn’t or didn’t want to sleep. He placed the note to the side and with trembling hand, he picked up journal numbed one.

 

****Journal entry: 0. December 14, 2015.** **

Hello dream journal.

This is my first journal entry and I don’t really know what to write so I guess I’ll just introduce myself.

My name is Felix and I’m 15 years old. I like dancing, food and video games and I dislike rain and darkness. My therapist told me to keep a dream journal, so maybe that’ll help me figuring out what’s going on, or at least it’ll help me with the dreams.

You see, when I turned 15 I started having really vivid dreams. The first dream I had was of... fire. I woke up crying that night. The dreams has been tormenting me ever since... 

After having these vivid dreams for two months, my parents sent me to a therapist. It’s been helpful, I do not have the dreams as often as I used to. But I still have some. Which is why I’ll keep this journal... to keep track of them... I don’t know what my dreams are or mean. But... I want to know.  


 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New fic!! yay!! i've been so exicted for this one aaaaah ;v; It's gonna be great when we get it going! hopefully i got all the sleepy typos but you know, probs not fdjjdf
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading <3 ily
> 
> you can find me @ pinkpunchmango on twt and cc!


	2. The journals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Empty pages ahead and a story waiting to be written._

 

 

 

 

 

Felix woke up early, the sunlight hitting his face and he squinted as he sat up in bed. The night had been calm and he felt well rested. No dreams had disturbed him. He looked around his room, stretching his arms above his head as he spotted the journals on his bedside table.

He knew his dreams inside and out. He’d had them for over four years now and it was often similar dreams. With a sigh, he reached for one of them and opened it on a random page.

 

**September 10, 2016.**

I’m tired of waking up terrified. I dreamt of the burning again. There was fire everywhere and I felt really lost. I don’t know what any of this means and it frustrates me. 

 

**September 12, 2016.**

Tonight I dreamed of a wide and open field ahead of me. It was spring. The snow was melting and someone… someone was there with me. I couldn’t make out their face. 

 

**September 15, 2016.**

I was in a dark forest... I think I was scared.  


 

Felix bit his lip as he read the three short entries in his journal. Most of the entries were shorter and he had to really try to be able to make out the words. He always wrote in the journal as he woke up and it often resulted in poorly written words.

The person in his dreams… Felix had never been able to make out who it was or even close to. Every time he was about to see their face, he woke up. Their voice were also distorted, muffled and it confused Felix to no end.

He closed the journal, reaching for another one. He began to flip through the pages, his stomach churning as he did. This was the journal he had when noting down most dreams from 2017. That had been a bad year with a lot of bloody and violent dreams.

The dream about being burned alive was the most common one, but there was also one dream where he was stabbed and another where he felt like he was suffocating slowly.

After flipping through his journals for a bit, Felix sighed heavily and got out of bed. The smell of coffee filled the apartment as he opened his door and his heart suddenly felt a bit lighter. He quickly rounded the corner and grinned as he saw Chan sitting at the table, his hair messy and still dressed in his pajamas.

“Good morning,” he said as he walked over to the counter to get himself a cup of coffee.

“Good morning,” Chan replied, voice a bit rough and scratchy in the early hours of the day. “You look like you had a good night.”

“And you look like you had… a decent night,” Felix said as he sat down in front of Chan. “At least a couple of hours of sleep I hope?”

“Yeah,” Chan said, shrugging. “It was pretty decent so I’m not gonna complain.”

“That’s good,” Felix said and Chan hummed into his cup of coffee. “What are you doing today?”

“I’ll probably just stay here and work on some tracks,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “You’re gonna go and practice with Hyunjin later today right?” Felix nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. “Wanna get some takeouts and watch a movie tonight?”

“Yes!” Felix said. “What do you want to watch?”

“I don’t really mind,” Chan said, shrugging again. “You can pick something,” he continued, laughing at Felix’s triumphant ‘yes’. There was a pause as the two of them drank their coffee before Chan spoke up. “Did you open the package?”

“I did,” Felix said, voice growing a bit serious and Chan raised an eyebrow. “It was… It was just old books, some photo albums and the… the journals.”

“Oh…” Chan said softly and Felix hummed. “Did you read them through?”

“Some of them. I checked some entries...” Felix admitted. “I… yeah I know I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Probably not,” Chan said and Felix sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Did you look through the books or photo albums though?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Not yet,” Felix said and Chan hummed. “I’ll check them later… some time,” he continued, shrugging. “Do you have any stars left?”

“The glow in the dark ones?” Chan asked, raising an eyebrow and Felix nodded. “Uh, I don’t know. I can check. Maybe I have one or two left…” he trailed off as Felix took a sip of his coffee. “Do you want some as well?”

“Yeah,” Felix said sheepishly, grinning as he placed his cup on the table. Chan didn’t say anything, he just smiled as Felix glanced towards the clock. “I better get ready for practice… Hyunjin won’t be happy if I’m late.”

“It’s like super early but sure, sure,” Chan said as Felix stood up. “Just make sure you eat something before leaving.”

“I’ll just get dressed and have something to eat,” Felix said as he placed his empty cup in the sink. “Don’t worry.”

“I’ll always worry about you Felix,” Chan said as Felix walked out of the kitchen. “Have a good day, I’ll see you tonight!”

“Have a good day,” Felix called back, heading towards his room again.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


“You know your hair is wet right?” Chan asked as Felix was cuddled up into his side, eyes fixed at the TV. “My hoodie is getting wet.”

“You’re comfortable,” Felix said, glancing up at Chan with a grin on his face. “I couldn’t bring any of my large stuffed animals with me here, I guess you just have to do.”

“I can’t promise I’m as good as them on cuddling but,” Chan shifted a little, opening his arms to let Felix snuggle closer, “I guess I’ll try.”

“You’re the best,” Felix announced as he cuddled closer to Chan.

“You’re hair is still wet,” Chan said and Felix just pressed his head firmer against Chan’s hoodie. “You’re lucky you’re my best friend.”

“I thought you were gonna say I was cute,” Felix said, pouting. “Am I not cute?”

“You’re very cute, don’t worry,” Chan said, ruffling Felix’s wet hair. “You should redye your hair soon,” he said absentmindedly as he threaded his fingers through Felix’s damp, faded orange hair. “Autumn is here in full force, you should match it.”

“I guess,” Felix said, hand coming up to brush his bangs away from his face. “Would you help me with it some day?”

“Sure,” Chan said, shifting a little as he shrugged. “I’m not a hairdresser so I make no promises.”

“You did your own hair pretty great though,” Felix said, looking up at Chan and Chan pulled his hand back, laughing as he ran a hand through his silver hair.

“I tried.”

“Well it looks good,” Felix said, looking back at the screen.

“Do you want to keep your hair orange?” Chan asked and Felix hummed, nodding a little as he leaned further into Chan’s side.

“Yeah, I like it orange.”

“Orange looks good on you, autumn boy,” Chan said and Felix chuckled, eyes still fixed on the screen.

He had picked out some romantic comedy from Netflix and because he’d been so busy talking to Chan, he had no idea what was actually going on in the movie.

“Seungmin stopped by here earlier,” Chan continued after a moment, breaking the silence between the two of them. “He told me to ask you to text him. He wanted lunch together tomorrow or something.”

“Oh,” Felix said softly, sitting up for a moment to reach for his phone before leaning all his weight on Chan again. Chan groaned but the sound quickly morphed into a laugh and Felix was grinning as he opened his phone to send Seungmin a text.

 

**To:** Seungmin  
Chan told me you stopped by today! I was at practice  
with Hyunjin. Did you want to get lunch tomorrow?

 

**From:** Seungmin  
Yeah. That’d be really nice. I miss my study  
date on the weekends. I can’t take you out tho

 

**To:** Seungmin  
Don’t worry about that uwu I’m a big boy, I can  
pay for myself.

 

**From:** Seungmin  
You sure about that?

 

**To:** Seungmin  
Okay so sOMETIMES I can’t… but I can most of  
the time :(( you’re mean to me

 

**From:** Seungmin  
Sorry princess _♡_

 

**From:** Seungmin  
How about lunch tho? Where do you  
want to eat? What do you want to eat?

 

**To:** Seungmin  
Burgers?

 

**From:** Seungmin  
Sure! Same place as usual?

 

**To:** Seungmin  
Yeah! See you tomorrow!! :D

 

“You’re meeting up tomorrow?” Chan asked as Felix locked his phone, placing it to the side. He hummed, snuggling into Chan’s side and he smiled as Chan’s hand came to rest on his waist. “You two should start going out for food that’s not burger and fries.”

“But fries,” Felix protested and Chan laughed, patting his side. “They’re so good.”

“They’re not very good for you,” Chan said and Felix just pouted, staring at the TV screen. “You’re lucky you dance daily. Getting some good exercise.”

“But fries, Chan, fries,” Felix whined. He glanced up at Chan who was smiling fondly, shaking his head a little. “I’m gonna eat all the fries I want,” he said, sticking out his tongue when Chan glanced down at him.

“Whatever you want, little prince,” Chan teased, laughing when Felix huffed. “You’re being very cute right now.”

“I’m angry with you,” Felix declared and Chan hummed. “Very angry.”

“Sure, sure,” Chan said, patting Felix’s waist again and Felix squirmed a little. “Are you excited for your date this coming week?”

“With Jisung?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean, yeah?” Felix said, lifting his head a little to look at Chan. “He seems like a great guy and I really want to get to know him. I don’t know if it’s a date just yet though.”

“I see,” Chan said. “He’s a really nice guy,” he continued and Felix hummed. “He’s… a lot like you. I think the two of you are going to get along really well.”

“I hope we do,” Felix said, turning his attention back to the movie. Chan only hummed and a comfortable silence fell over the room as they continued to watch the movie.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


“You’re looking a bit more well rested now,” Seungmin said. He and Felix were sitting in the corner of a fast food restaurant. Maybe not the fanciest choice of location but they were both broke students, what were they supposed to do?

“I feel a lot better,” Felix sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I haven’t… had a week like that in a long time.”

“Is there any particular reason you can’t sleep?” Seungmin asked and Felix bit his lip. Did he want to tell Seungmin about the dreams or would Seungmin think he was insane. It seemed kind of insane because the dreams were so vivid… so real… “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Seungmin added, a kind smile on his lips.

“I’ll tell you… someday,” Felix said, rubbing his temples and Seungmin nodded. “I don’t know… I think I just need to sort my mind.”

“That’s just fine,” Seungmin replied, warm smile on his lips. “So, after the performance, what’s up for you and Hyunjin?”

“I think…” Felix trailed off, thinking for a second. “I think we have some solo choreographing to do and then we’re picking a dance style to focus on for a while.”

“Oh that sounds fun,” Seungmin hummed and Felix nodded, picking up his burger. “What are you going to pick?”

“Contemporary or jazz,” Felix said, mouth full of food and Seungmin grimaced. “Sorry,” he said with a sheepish grin. “I’m thinking contemporary or jazz. Haven’t made up my mind yet.”

“That sounds fun though,” Seungmin said, eating his fries. Felix nodded. “Too bad I’m in the second year,” he continued and Felix tilted his head a little, chewing his food. “If I was in the first year we would have done a collab next semester. But,” he shrugged, “you just have to work with the first years.”

“Aww,” Felix said, pouting and Seungmin just laughed. “You’re too smart,” he whined, swatting a hand in Seungmin’s direction. “Stop it.”

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin said, shrugging as he grinned widely. “Can’t help it.”

Felix hummed, taking another bite of his food. “You’re coming to the performance, right?” he asked, voice a bit muffled because of the food in his mouth and Seungmin grimaced a little. “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry,” he said, amused smile on his lips. “But yeah,” he continued and Felix could feel a smile stretching on his lips. “Of course I’ll come to see you. I gotta cheer on my friends, right?”

“It would be really nice if you did,” Felix said, reaching out to get some fries. “Maybe we can go and get dinner afterwards, all nine of us?”

“That sounds really nice,” Seungmin said, smiling so widely his eyes crinkled into small crescent moons. “How is Chan? I haven’t seen him a lot except during lunch and I rarely get to talk a lot with him either because there’s so many of us.”

“He’s good,” Felix said and Seungmin hummed, eating some of his own food. “He doesn’t sleep a lot but what else is new,” he continued and Seungmin snorted. “But otherwise he’s pretty good from what i’ve gathered.”

“That’s good,” Seungmin said, smiling softly before his expression grew serious. “Have you considered a sleep therapist though? You slept like shit last week and Chan isn’t much better.”

“I’ve tried a sleep therapist…” Felix replied slowly and Seungmin nodded, curiosity gleaming in his eyes. “Chan hasn’t though.”

“He hasn’t?” Felix shook his head. “Isn’t he sleeping like… way less than you?”

“Usually yeah,” Felix said, running a hand through his hair. “But… His parents never sent him to a therapist like mine did and I don’t know… he never really seemed to like the idea of going to a therapist about it.”

“I see,” Seungmin hummed and Felix nodded, biting his lip. He and Chan had talked about this in the past, how it might be for the best for Chan to see a therapist but Chan always said no. Felix didn’t want to push too much so they had simply dropped the subject. “If it continues like this though… maybe you should tell him to consider it.”

“I will,” Felix whispered, stomach churning. “I’m worried for him.”

“I am too,” Seungmin said, sighing and he stared down at the table before looking back up at Felix. “I trust you’re keeping an eye on him, right?”

“I am,” Felix said, chewing on his bottom lip.

“Changbin sent me a text yesterday,” Seungmin said after a moment of silence, changing subjects and Felix looked up, blinking. “He wanted to take me out for dinner next weekend.”

“Is he finally making his move on you or..?” Felix asked slowly and Seungmin snorted. “I think you should consider him asking you out as a win.”

“I mean…” Seungmin trailed off, shrugging. “He said he wanted to discuss me helping him out with a demo so I don’t think he’s making a move or anything. He’s too scared to do that just yet.”

“Maybe you should just stop being so intimidating,” Felix mused, shoving the rest of his burger into his mouth. “He really likes you Seungmin.”

“I know he does,” Seungmin said slowly, sighing and his shoulders slumping. “I really like him too… you know? He’s a precious friend but…”

“Do you like him in the way he likes you?” Felix asked, his heart feeling heavy. Seungmin stared at the table for a while, just thinking about the question.

“I don’t know,” he finally replied and Felix nodded, biting the inside of his cheek. “I don’t know.”

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


Felix walked through the library, checking each and every table. Chan had said he would be studying in the cafeteria but he wasn’t there and he wasn’t replying to Felix’s messages so Felix just had to take matters into his own hands. He rounded a bookshelf and a grin stretched on his lips as he spotted Chan. Chan was sitting by one of the lonely tables close to the large windows. He had his headphones on, eyes fixed on a book in front of him. He didn’t react until Felix sat down in front of him. He quickly pulled off his headphones, eyes wide.

“Are you hiding from me or something?” Felix asked jokingly as he sat down in front of Chan in the library. “Took me ages to find you.”

“Sorry,” Chan replied sheepishly, shrugging a little as a smile made its way to his lips. He closed it, his thumb still between the pages to not lose the page he was reading. “You had your quiz last Friday and I have a quiz this Friday. Seeing as it’s Monday, I figured I should study a bit.”

“Fair,” Felix said, pulling out his laptop from his bag. “I hope you don’t mind me sitting here. I really don’t want to bother you.”

“You’re never a bother, Felix,” Chan said, grinning widely and Felix’s heart felt warm in his chest. “What are you doing though? Out of curiosity.”

“I have to pick a choreography and analyze it,” Felix said, turning his screen a little to show Chan the paused video. “Not gonna lie it’s pretty fun. Way better than the human anatomy.”

“You still managed to get an okay grade on the quiz,” Chan said and Felix hummed. “Despite wanting to die and being on the verge of death.”

“That is very true,” Felix said, turning the laptop back to face him. Chan hummed as he opened his book again, turning his attention back to the text. Felix plugged his earphones into the computer and pressed play on the video. He followed the dancers’ moves intently, noting down the various poses and movements they did and he did a little note on the flow of the music.

As he was working on the assignment, he found his mind starting to drift.

“Do you like Jisung?” he asked, breaking the silence and Chan looked up from his book. “How is he as a person?”

“He’s…” Chan trailed off, clearly a bit confused about Felix’s question. “He’s really nice. A very sweet guy and yeah, I like him. Why?”

“I don’t know,” Felix said, shrugging. “He seems really nice and I want to get to know him better.”

“Well you were going to get coffee with him this week, weren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Felix said, tilting the lid of his laptop forward a little. “Tomorrow.”

“Looking forward to it?”

“I mean, yeah?” Felix said. “I wanted to get to know him better so.”

“We already talked about this over the weekend. You’re trying to avoid your assignment, aren’t you?” Chan asked, amused smile on his lips as he looked Felix over. Felix groaned and covered his face with his hands. Chan chuckled and Felix peeked through the gaps between his fingers. “You know you have to do it at one point or another.”

“I know,” he whined, closing his laptop completely. “But I don’t want to.”

“Well…” Chan began and Felix tilted his head a little. “If you let me study for 10 minutes I’ll take you out for lunch.”

“Really?” Felix asked, face brightening and Chan nodded, amused expression on his face. “I’ll give you 10 minutes then.”

“Great,” Chan said, turning back to his book. “10 minutes.”

Felix nodded, reaching for his phone as he waited for Chan to finish studying. He wasn’t going to get anything done anyway.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


“I didn’t peg you as a black coffee drinker,” Jisung said as they sat down at a table in the coffee shop. He grimaced as he glanced at Felix drink and Felix just laughed. “I thought we would end up with similar orders.”

“I don’t really mind caramel lattes and frappes and what not,” Felix said, running a hand through his hair. “I just… need black coffee to stay awake sometimes.”

“Understandable,” Jisung said and Felix hummed. “You did look _really_ tired last week. Better now but yeah… You looked like you were about to fall over.”

“I felt like I was about to fall over and die,” Felix mumbled into his cup of coffee and Jisung snorted. “I didn’t get much sleep last week. This one seems like a better week so.” He shrugged.

“That’s good, that’s good,” Jisung said, taking a sip of his caramel latte before he placed the cup back down on the table. “So Felix, what do you do beside dancing?”

“Studying, playing video games, sleeping when I can,” Felix said. “Not very interesting,” he added sheepishly. “How about you?”

“Video games, studying, writing music, rapping,” Jisung said slowly and Felix nodded.

“Have you been writing music for a long time?” he asked, leaning a bit closer as he took a sip of his black coffee.

“Since I was 14 or so,” he replied and Felix nodded again. “I didn’t… I wasn’t serious about it until I was about 17 though.”

“I mean I didn’t get serious about dancing until 17-18 so I don’t blame you,” Felix said and Jisung laughed. “We’re still 19, just barely past that in my case, so I don’t think we can expect ourselves to know exactly what we want in life just yet.”

“You’re right,” Jisung said, a smile breaking out on his face. “When are you born?”

“September 15,” Felix replied, watching as the smile dropped from Jisung’s face and he widened his eyes. “What?”

“You’re really born September 15?” Jisung asked and Felix just nodded, confused about the whole situation. “I’m born September 14!”

“Wait. Really?” Felix asked, eyes wide and Jisung just nodded, grin on his lips. “Wow that’s really cool!”

“It is,” Jisung said, excitement in his eyes but then he pouted. “But that means I missed your birthday by like a few weeks.”

“And I missed yours,” Felix said, taking another sip of his coffee. “We still have next year,” he said, eyes crinkling as he smiled. Jisung hummed, drinking his latte.

They sat there at the cafe, engaging in everyday conversation about this and that. As they spoke, Felix realized that both Seungmin and Chan had been right. He really enjoyed Jisung’s company and they seemed to click pretty well. Almost like puzzle pieces.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


_The breeze was slightly chilly as it gently caressed Felix's face. He found himself staring up at the moon. There was something with the moon that… pulled him to it. It was odd and he wasn’t sure how he would explain it. The moon tonight was full, its light reflecting on the surface of the water in front of Felix. His surroundings were fuzzy, blurry, and he couldn’t make out much more than the lake in front of him and the moon._

_He had a sense of loneliness churning in his gut. He looked around and through the blur he could make out the water and what looked to be a pale marble structure._

_There was something off, something was weird. His body was tingling as he looked around and then back up at the moon. He stared at it intently, watching as the silver light seemed to almost roll off like waves. It was beautiful. Breathtaking. But there was something that felt wrong about this whole thing. Was he scared?  
_

_A rustle was heard from behind and Felix turned around to look what had made the sound._

 

 

Felix opened his eyes slowly, pale moonlight filtering in through the open blinds. He hated waking up in the middle of the night, but waking up like this was far better than all the times he’d woken up in terror.

He slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes before glancing at the clock. It was three in the morning but he could still feel the tiredness in his bones. He just needed a glass of water and he’d be able to go back to sleep. He quickly climbed out of bed and headed to the kitchen, being careful as he opened his bedroom door to make sure it didn’t creak.

The whole apartment was dark and the kitchen as well. Felix’s heart felt a bit lighter as he let his eyes scan the dark space. He glanced towards Chan’s door and smiled as he couldn’t see any light coming from the space between the door and the floor. If the apartment was dark and no light came from Chan’s room, that meant that Chan was actually asleep and that fact made Felix very happy.

He made his way to the kitchen, turning the light on before getting a glass from the cupboard. He tried to be as quiet as possible as he got his water. Chan, on top of having a very hard time falling asleep, was a light sleeper and Felix wasn’t sure if he could forgive himself for waking Chan up.

As he stood there, leaning against the counter, he began to think back of the dream he had. He had had something like that before. A lot of his dreams were alike in some way, shape or form. But in the other dream, one that he had about a year ago or something, he was standing in the water with the sun rising in front of him. The only thing that had reminded him of that dream had been the surroundings. Although he couldn’t see clearly, he somehow knew that it was the same place as the last time.

He bit his lip, mind wandering to the strange, blonde person in his dreams. In both dreams, surrounded by the pristine white, he was lonely. He was missing someone. Was he missing the blonde person?

“Maybe that’s too far fetched…” he murmured to himself as he placed the glass in the sink. He shook his head as he turned off the light in the kitchen, tiptoeing back to his room. His dreams were… well dreams. There was no secret agenda behind them. Nothing. Just vivid dreams about weird things.

He sighed as he laid down in bed, willing himself to think about something else. If he continued to think about his dreams and what they could possibly mean, he would get a headache and he would be unable to sleep.

He stared up into his dark roof, smiling as he realized there was a lonely star on his ceiling. Chan had probably put it up earlier and Felix felt a bit stupid for not noticing earlier. It was large, probably among the largest sizes of the stars and it was just faintly visible in the darkness of night. It brought a smile to Felix’s lips as he pulled his blanket closer to himself and he closed his eyes.

The dreams that followed were peaceful. A dark sky with a million silver stars above him and he felt so at peace.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


Felix was never the first one to arrive to his and Seungmin’s study dates. Never. But today it happened. He felt confused as he sat down, looking around the library to see if Seungmin was just getting some books or something.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Seungmin said as he arrived two minutes later. He was one minute late. Felix just raised an eyebrow as he looked Seungmin over. Seungmin looked exhausted, dressed in a simple hoodie and glasses on.

“Are you okay?” Felix asked, leaning closer and he furrowed his brows. “You look… frazzled.”

“I’m…” Seungmin trailed off, biting his lower lip. “I don’t know?”

“Oh?” Felix said, tilting his head a little. “Did something happen or..?” he trailed off, brows furrowing in worry. Seungmin was silent for a moment, running a hand through his messy hair. This was worrying and Felix’s stomach churned a little.

“I have dreams,” he finally said and Felix blinked. “Before you say anything, I know everyone has dreams but… but these are something else.”

“How so?” Felix asked, trying his best to keep his voice steady.

“I don’t know yet,” Seungmin said, shoulders slumping and he removed his glasses to rub his eyes. “It’s weird but I’ll… I’ll figure it out.”

Felix pressed his lips together, nodding his head slowly. “I hope… I hope you’ll figure it out soon,” he said and Seungmin nodded, rubbing his eyes again. “Do you want to go and get some coffee or something and just… not study?” he asked and he watched with glee as a smile stretched on Seungmin’s lips. It was small but it was still a smile.

“That sounds really good,” he said, ruffling his own hair a bit. “I think I need to just… take my mind off things.” Felix nodded as he stood up, quickly packing all his things back into his bag. “I’m sorry… I know we were supposed to study but…”

“Don’t apologize,” Felix said, shaking his head and he threw his bag over his shoulder. “It’s fine,” he assured and Seungmin nodded, chewing on his bottom lip. “Let’s just go and get some good, good food,” he said, holding out his hand to Seungmin.

Seungmin just nodded mutely again, taking Felix’s hand without a word and he let Felix lead him out of the library.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


Felix frowned at the journals in front of him. Chan had told him to leave them alone and not read them, and Felix knew he should. Sometimes it brought back the bad dreams and he wanted to avoid that. He really wanted to avoid the bad dreams. But he felt a bit curious to just see what he had written about his dreams. The fact that Seungmin had dreams too was interesting and Felix had a small thought. What if there was a reason for the dreams? Maybe he could find it if he read through the journals.

He reached out to pick up one of them and opened it on a random page.

 

**September 2, 2017.**

I dreamt of that person again. I know it was the same person as before... I don’t know how I know. I just do. I managed to make out more of the dream this time. We were standing in a forest, a clearing. The forest around us was calm, peaceful and I felt so at peace. Maybe a bit giddy? I still couldn’t make out their face. But they were about the same height as me, maybe shorter I’m not sure, and their hair was blonde. That’s all I could make out. 

 

Felix bit his lip as he read through the short entry. He knew there was one person in particular that he was dreaming about. He had never seen their face but his gut told him it was the same person. Maybe he needed to find this person to get the answers to his questions.

He sighed and flipped through a couple of more pages. A lot of dreams were bloody, filled with death, fire and loneliness. But there were warm and happy dreams as well. Felix hated his vivid dreams, but there were dreams that made him feel warm and happy when he woke up. Those were always good days.

 

**January 10, 2018.**

The blonde person is back. We were standing… somewhere… on a mountain or a hill maybe? And we were looking out over a field. I felt… confused maybe? I don’t know. 

 

Felix bit the inside of his cheek. God he just wanted answers to all of this. Who was he dreaming of but more importantly, why was he having these dreams? Before he could ask himself more questions, the door opened and he jumped in surprise.

“Hello?” Chan called out and Felix placed the journal back on the table in front of him again. He leaned back in the couch, running a hand through his hair as Chan entered the living room. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Felix said, offering Chan a smile as Chan dropped his bag on the floor. “How are you?”

“Good, good,” Chan said, seemingly a bit absentmindedly and Felix frowned. Chan’s eyes shifted to look at the journals in front of Felix. “You’re reading them?”

“Just a few entries,” Felix said, sighing as Chan sat down. “I thought I’d read some again because…” he trailed off, unsure of what to actually say. Chan raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to explain. “Seungmin had dreams too. I don’t know if they’re the same but… I don’t know I got curious about past dreams,” he continued, shrugging.

“Seungmin has dreams as well?” Chan asked, eyes widening. Felix just nodded. “Did he say anything about them?”

“He didn’t,” Felix said, shaking his head a little.

“Did you tell him about yours?” Chan asked after a moment of silence. Felix bit his lip as he shook his head slowly. “Why not? What if…” he trailed off, adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. “What if your dreams are connected?”

“That’s… I don’t know… it sounds kind of farfetched,” Felix said slowly and Chan sighed, shoulders slumping.

“I guess you’re right,” he murmured and Felix sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Do you want to go out to eat tonight?” he asked, breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” Felix said, a smile returning on his lips. “I’d like that.”

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


“Hey,” Jisung said as Felix gently pushed the door to the studio open and peered inside. Jisung was sitting in one of the office chairs in front of a computer and his eyes widened for a split second as he looked at Felix. “You’ve redyed your hair?”

“Yeah,” Felix said, grin on his face. He closed the door behind him and headed towards the couch. “Chan helped me with it.”

“He did?” Jisung asked and Felix just nodded, pulling out a book from his bag. “Do you think he’ll be able to help me?” he asked, running a hand through his blond hair.

“I’m sure he’ll be able to help if you just ask him,” Felix said, shrugging before opening his book on the bookmarked page. “He did his own hair so don’t trust him when he says ‘I’m not a hairdresser, I make no promises’,” he continued and Jisung snorted, amused grin on his lips.

“Noted,” he said, glancing over to his computer. “I’d just like to try… I don’t know, maybe blue?”

“Oh!” Felix said, smile widening on his lips. “Blue would look really good on you!” he continued and Jisung grinned, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

“Thank you,” he murmured, his cheeks dusted with pink and Felix had to hold back from coo at him. He looked pretty cute right now. “I’m sorry I’ll just finish up as fast as I can and we can get going,” he said, smile dropping.

“It’s fine,” Felix said, still smiling and he shook his head. “I have this,” he continued, holding up his book for Jisung to see. “And the movie doesn’t start in like two hours. We have plenty of time.”

“But still,” Jisung whined, turning back to the computer. He glanced over his shoulder to look at Felix. “I want to spend time with you.”

“Then you better start working on that song,” Felix said and Jisung just grinned as he slipped the headphones over his ears and turned back to the computer. Felix watched Jisung’s back for a moment, smile still tugging at his lips before he turned his attention back to his own book.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leT THE GUESSING GAME BEGIN UWU!! Hopefully I caught all errors here jdjd 
> 
> thank you so much for reading <3
> 
> you can find me @ pinkpunchmango on both twt and cc. Send me your thoughts about this chapter or just leave me a lil comment uwu <3


	3. The dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _But that's all they are. Simple dreams. Nothing more. Nothing less._

 

 

 

 

 

_His whole body was sore, aching and he cried out in pain as he was dragged along the ground. His vision was fuzzy as he was lifted off the ground by his collar and his head fell back. He couldn’t make out anything around him. It was all so dark and so blurry._

_He could hear someone speak, their voice distorted and twisted. His stomach turned and he felt like he was about to throw up. He didn’t know why, but he hated whoever had just spoken. A hand with slender fingers gripped his chin and turned his head towards them. Felix could not see their face. His heart was pounding in his ears and his body went so weak._

_The hand let go of his face and Felix’s head fell back, tilted to the side. He was looking for someone; at someone. He wasn’t sure. He could somewhat make out shapes but he couldn’t see anything clearly. The sky was dark and around them laid crumbled stone._

_But before he could say or do anything, pain coursed through his body as something sharp was thrusted through his chest._

_He had been stabbed._

 

 

 

Felix jolted awake, sitting in up immediately and he inhaled sharply. Tears were welling up in his eyes and his hair was sticking to his sweaty forehead. He coughed, the tears now falling from his eyes. His heart was hammering and as he lifted his hand to his mouth, covering it as he continued to cough. He blinked as he coughing finally subsided and he lowered his hand. In the pale moonlight that filtered in through the blinds he could barely see anything.

But he could see the spots of blood that dotted his skin.

His breathing hitched, his heart was pounding and blood rushing in his ears as he stood up on shaky legs. He had to get to Chan. He grabbed a hold of the walls as he walked towards Chan’s room, trying to keep his balance.

He knocked at Chan’s door. “Chan,” he called out weakly as he pushed the door open. The room was dark, meaning Chan must be asleep but the second he entered, the light was turned on and Chan sat up. His silver hair was a mess, curls sticking in every direction and he squinted as he looked at Felix.

“Felix?” he asked, voice rough with sleep. Felix almost felt bad for waking him up but he was so scared. “What’s happening?” he asked, suddenly more awake than before as he took in Felix’s appearance.

“I-I-” Felix stuttered, holding out his hand to show Chan the blood. “I coughed blood,” he whispered. His whole body was trembling and tears were rolling down his face. He was so scared. “What’s going on?” he asked as Chan got out of bed, hurrying up to Felix.

“I don’t know,” Chan said as he took Felix’s hand in his. “Let’s go and wash this off and you can stay with me, okay? We’ll figure it out, I promise.”

“Okay,” Felix whispered, letting Chan lead him to the bathroom. His heart was pounding in his ears and his whole body trembling as they stepped inside the bathroom. He couldn’t focus and he was barely aware of his surroundings as Chan helped him to was the blood off his hands.

What was going on? Was he dying?

“Felix,” Chan said, snapping Felix back to reality. Worry was written all over Chan’s face as he gently dried the tears that were rolling down Felix’s cheeks. “You’re okay,” he assured, reaching for a towel and put it under the tap. He then proceeded to wipe the wet towel over Felix’s lips and around his mouth.

“I’m okay,” Felix whispered, voice small and wavering. “I’m okay.”

“Let’s go to bed,” Chan said, tossing the towel to the side before taking a gentle hold of Felix’s hand. Felix felt so dazed and he was barely aware of Chan at this point. His head was fuzzy, ears feeling like they were filled with cotton that blocked most sounds out and he just kept staring in front of him.

“What’s going on with me?” Felix asked as Chan gently pushed him down to sit on Chan’s bed. Chan sighed, running a hand through his silver curls. “I-I’m not dying, right?” he continued when Chan joined him in bed.

“You’re not,” Chan said as he laid down and Felix immediately followed. Without saying anything, Felix moved closer and let Chan wrap his arms around him and he snuggled into Chan’s chest. It felt safe. They had grown up together and Chan was always a security for Felix. Someone he could trust with everything.

“It was a scary dream,” Felix whispered and Chan hummed, brushing his fingers through Felix’s hair. “I mean I… I’ve had it before but I never, you know…”

“No I know,” Chan said and Felix hummed. “Do you think you can go back to sleep?”

“I don’t know,” Felix said, hands grasping weakly at Chan’s shirt. “Maybe?”

“You have your performance tomorrow,” Chan murmured, still running his fingers through Felix’s hair. The way his fingers were gently scraping against Felix’s scalp was really helping as Felix felt his eyelids growing heavy. “You need the rest,” he continued.

Felix hummed. He was still terrified, but he felt safe with Chan. They laid there in silence, Felix pressed against Chan and Chan brushing his fingers through Felix’s hair. Felix blinked a little, trying to get rid of sleep as it was digging its claws into him.

“Thank you,” Felix murmured, too tired to keep his eyes open and his grip of Chan’s shirt was getting weaker by the second. “For, you know…” he trailed off, voice laced with sleep. “Being here for me.”

He could hear a murmur as Chan replied but his sleep muddled brain couldn’t process what he said exactly. Then he fell into a peaceful and dreamless slumber.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


Felix was breathing heavily, his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead and he brought a hand up to wipe the sweat out of his eyes. His whole body was buzzing with happiness and he was beaming as they stepped down from the stage.

“We did it!” Hyunjin said, breathing just as heavy as Felix’s. Beside them, Minho was grinning with a look of pride on his face.

“Thank god it’s over, right?” Minho asked, laughing as he tried to catch his breath. Both Felix and Hyunjin laughed between their attempts to catch their breaths. “Let’s go and get some water before any of you two falls over,” he continued, ushering them back towards the dressing rooms.

“That was-” Hyunjin cut himself off to breathe. “That was so much fun,” he said, eyes glimmering as he looked at Minho and Felix.

“It was,” Felix said, finally starting to catch his breath and he pushed the door to the dressing room open. The room was bustling, full of other dance students who had already finished their performance. The nervousness that had been buzzing in the air earlier was gone and replaced with just sheer happiness from most performers and a few disappointed looks.

They sat down to catch their breaths and the conversation continued. Felix felt like he was on cloud nine. He felt so happy, so excited and so inspired to continue to dance. The three of them chatted among each other as well engaged with the other students.

“Let’s do this again,” Minho said when the show had finally come to an end and they were allowed to leave dressing rooms. “In like two months or something. I don’t want to relive the stress of preparing just yet,” he added and Felix snorted as he threw his bag over his shoulder.

“Let’s get some time between this and next time,” Hyunjin agreed and Felix hummed. Felix pushed the doors open and they all stepped outside the building. “Although I kinda want to go back to the practice room right away to dance some more,” he continued.

“Not before we have our dinner,” Woojin cut in and the three of them looked up to see their friend group approaching. “Look who we brought along,” he continued, gesturing to his left and Felix’s smile immediately brightened as he saw Jeongin.

“That performance was really good,” Jeongin beamed as both Felix and Hyunjin bounced over to hug him. Jeongin and Hyunjin had known eachother since elementary school and Hyunjin had been the one that had introduced him in the beginning of the school year. But Jeongin wasn’t in university yet so meeting up was a bit tricky.

“I agree with Jeongin,” Jisung said when Felix and Hyunjin let Jeongin go. “I brought some flowers for you,” he continued and Felix eyes fell on the three small bouquets in his arms. “You did really good,” he said, wide grin on his face as he held out a bouquet for Felix.

“You’re too much,” Felix said, smiling widely as he accepted the flower. “Thank you, Jisung.”

“Thank you,” Hyunjin said, grinning at Jisung.

“You’re smooth,” Minho said, wiggling his eyebrows at Jisung. “Take me on a date later, Mister Han?” he asked and Jisung snorted. Felix rolled his eyes.

“He literally gave flowers to all three of you but okay,” Chan said, raising an eyebrow as he moved closer to Felix. “You did great,” he said, opening his arms to give Felix a hug. “You’re really sweaty,” he commented as Felix hugged him. “Dinner and then a shower.”

“Yes please,” Felix said, pulling away from Chan. “That sounds really nice.”

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


Felix spent the weekend knocked out on his bed, sleeping most of the time and he felt so thankful that he had no dreams disturbing his short recharge period. Classes picked up as usual on monday with new assignments introduced and he quickly fell into the new routine with more theoretical classes and less dance practices.

As Wednesday rolled around, he had his regularly scheduled study date with Seungmin and there had been something bothering him. Something he really needed to ask Seungmin.

“Seungmin?” Felix asked and Seungmin hummed, not taking his eyes off the book in front of him. “Can I ask you something?”

“You already did,” Seungmin said and Felix snorted, rolling his eyes. Seungmin chuckled, closing his book and he leaned forward. “Kidding,” he said with a soft grin on his lips. “What did you want to ask me?”

“What are your dreams about?” Felix asked, biting his lip as Seungmin’s face grew serious. “I’m sorry,” Felix muttered, looking down at the table. “You don’t have to answer that.”

“No it’s okay,” Seungmin said, taking a deep breath and Felix looked up again. “It’s just…” he trailed off, running a hand through his hair. “Half of the time I don’t even know what I’m dreaming about. Some parts are blurry, some are clear.”

“Oh…”

“There’s one where I… I’m doing something, a ritual maybe, and I can just feel that it went horribly wrong… then everything goes black,” he explained and Felix nodded slowly, chewing on his bottom lip. “There’s another where I’m in a mountain range… I’m following some people and I just feel so scared? I don’t know why but then one of them calls out to me in a language I haven’t heard before but I somehow still understand it… Then I wake up.”

“That…”

“Sounds insane, yeah,” Seungmin said, sighing as his shoulders dropped. “But I keep having the same set of dreams. They have different feeling to them but some of them connect and I-” He cut himself off, running a hand through his hair again.

“I have dreams too,” Felix said, breaking the silence and he watched as Seungmin widened his eyes. “Not… not the same dreams but vivid dreams.”

“Really?” Seungmin asked, eyes wide and Felix nodded, still chewing on his lip.

“They’re… different but I feel some of them are connected…” he said and Seungmin nodded, eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t know,” he said, sighing as his shoulders slumped. “It’s… I’ve had them since I was 15 but they still don’t make any sense to me.”

“Wait,” Seungmin said, holding up his hands as he looked at Felix intently. “You’ve had vivid dreams since you were 15?” he asked and Felix nodded mutely. “Shit… that’s a long time.”

“It is,” Felix said, chewing on his bottom lip. “You… you only have dreams, right?”

“Yeah,” Seungmin replied, nodding his head a little as he kept his eyes fixed at Felix. “You… don’t?”

Felix was quiet for a moment, debating if he should tell Seungmin or not. “I woke up coughing blood,” he finally said, watching as Seungmin widened his eyes. “I had a dream… a dream I’ve had before. Someone is holding onto my collar. My body is in so much pain. I keep looking around… like I’m looking for someone and then-” He swallowed hard, trying to force the lump in his throat down. “Then I’m stabbed.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Felix said, taking a deep breath as he blinked rapidly. He hadn’t noticed the tears welling up in his eyes. “I had that dream, the night before the performance. Wasn’t very nice but this was the first time it affected me like this,” he continued and Seungmin nodded slowly.

“That… sounds very scary,” he said, running a hand through his hair. Felix bit his lip, trying to force the tears back before they began to roll down his cheeks. He shifted his eyes down to stare at the table. There was a pause, the silence between the two of them heavy as the library around them filled with gentle whispers from fellow students. “Do you want to get out of here?” Seungmin asked, breaking the silence.

“Please,” Felix said, looking up at Seungmin. “I think I need some air.”

“Yeah,” Seungmin said, standing up. “Let’s go somewhere.”

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


****October 4, 2017**  
**

I feel like I dream about the forest a lot. It’s a few different forests that I dream about. I dream about a dark forest, seemingly haunted by something. I dream of a large forest where I have a gnawing sense of loneliness in my gut. I dream of a smaller forest, bathed in moonlight and I feel at peace. I dream of a forest with a clearing and the clearing is so special to me, for some reason.

I have no idea what this really means but… it’s been a few years now and I feel like I’ve started to accept the dreams. Kind of. Still wish that I would stop dying in them. But the peaceful dreams could remain, I wouldn’t be mad if they did.  


I like the forest bathed in moonlight the best. It’s so calm and peaceful and every time I’m in that dream, I feel like I’m always walking with a purpose. I know where to go and I know someone is waiting for me.  


 

 

“Where are the others?” Changbin asked, sitting down in front of Felix and that snapped Felix out of the journal entry he was reading.

“Chan had to go back to our apartment,” Felix said, closing the journal. “He slept like shit last night. He needed to catch up on some sleep to be able to function. Woojin and Seungmin are busy, Minho didn’t have any classes today or tomorrow so he’s going home for a long weekend, Hyunjin was busy,” he continued and Changbin hummed, picking up his fork. “Jisung said he had an essay to work on.”

“Yeah,” Changbin said, taking a bite of his food. “They got some assignment in the middle of our project,” he continued, shrugging. “The deadline is pretty far away though so I don’t know why he’s working on that one instead of having lunch with us.” He playfully pouted and Felix snorted, batting a hand towards him.

“He said something about wanting to be free this weekend,” Felix said and Changbin hummed as he chewed his food. “We’re gonna go to a cafe or something this weekend so…” he trailed off. “Don’t know if that’s the reason though,” he quickly added and Changbin snorted.

“That’s totally the reason,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. “Isn’t Jisung your ideal type?”

“Why does everyone keep saying he’s my type?” Felix asked, frowning as he looked at Changbin.

“Outgoing, funny, loud, affectionate,” Changbin said with a shrug, laughing when Felix raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“That’s exactly what Seungmin said too,” Felix said, leaning back in his chair. He was about to say something, to protest further about Jisung not being his type and how he didn’t have a type, but he could see Changbin’s expression drop. “How are you?” he asked instead.

“I… You and Seungmin meet up a lot, right?”

“Yeah,” Felix said, nodding his head a little. “We have the study dates. Although they’re not really dates but you know.”

“Yeah,” Changbin said absentmindedly. “I asked him out for dinner a while back, right?”

“Yes, he told me about that.”

“So we’re going to… we’re going to dinner this weekend.”

“Really?” Changbin nodded. “Seungmin didn’t tell me,” Felix said, pouting. He expected Changbin to laugh but he could see Changbin becoming more and more downcast by the second. “I think Seungmin has had a lot to think about and… to be honest we haven’t really been talking about these kind of things lately,” he quickly added and Changbin looked up from the table.

“I know some… he told me a little of what’s been going on,” Changbin began, taking a deep breath. “I want to help him. I want to be there for him. I just- I really like him,” he said, shoulders slumping. “I think I should tell him…”

“I think so too,” Felix said, leaning forward again. “I honestly think the two of you should have a long talk.”

“Maybe that’s for the best,” Changbin said, sighing. “I’ll talk to him… at some point.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” Felix murmured, nodding slowly. There was a pause, the air between them somewhat tense. “So what are you doing this weekend, beside going out with Seungmin?”

“Haven’t really decided,” Changbin replied, still looking a bit downcast but he looked relieved in the change of subject. “Probably try to catch up on the project a bit. We’re due next week and I think all three of us are getting a bit stressed.”

“Understandably. Chan has been a bit on edge about the project too,” Felix said. “But based on what I’ve heard, I don’t think you guys have anything to worry about.”

“Thank you, Felix,” Changbin said, smile stretching on his lips and Felix just replied with a grin. “How about you? Any grand plans for the weekend?”

“I’m meeting up with Jisung on Saturday, as I mentioned,” he replied, shrugging and Changbin hummed.

The lunch hour continued with just the two of them, chatting about this and that and Felix found it rather calming to just have this small talk with Changbin. As they continued to talk about the weekend, he realized that he wanted nothing more than the weekend to arrive now so he could get some good, good sleep.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


Despite having a good dream, a simple flower field ahead of him and the feeling of being loved blooming in his chest, Felix woke up early. He cursed himself as he sat up in bed, running a hand through his hair. He wanted to sleep, like a lot of sleep, and now he was wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. He grimaced and as he reached for his phone, his eyes caught the stack of journals on the bedside table.

He picked one of them and began to flip through them. He wasn’t feeling like going back to the nightmares, he just wanted to look at the good and happy dreams. The dreams that made him feel all warm and fuzzy.

  


****December 16, 2018**  
**

Tonight was a good night. I had a good dream. I think. I mean there was an underlying sense of dread in my gut but I wasn’t stabbed or burned alive. I was sitting by a campfire, staring out into empty and dark space ahead of me. Fields maybe. Someone was beside me. The blonde person. I think. Though their hair didn’t seem to be blonde this time. It was darker. Maybe blue? I don’t know because everything was kinda blurry.  


We were sitting by the fire and... then we laid down beside each other. I traced patterns on their face. Why? I don’t know. I leaned closer, so close I could feel their breath on my lips. I asked them something. Maybe if this was okay. I felt my heart beating really loudly in my chest as they said something. Then I kissed them.  


  


Felix smiled a little to himself as he read the journal entry. He had had that dream a few times, but last year had been the first time it had been _that_ clear. It seemed that the dreams were getting more and more detailed as time passed. Felix bit his lip. He just hoped he would get an explanation of the dreams soon.

The sound of Chan’s door creaking open followed by careful footsteps across the wooden floor broke Felix out of his own thoughts and he looked towards his closed door. It was still really early. What was Chan doing up? Had he also been woken up by dreams?

Felix stood up and he stepped out of his room only to stop dead in his tracks as he laid his eyes on Chan. Chan was dressed, warm jacket on to battle the cold, with a backpack on and another bag slung over his shoulder. He was putting on his shoes, looking like he was trying to keep quiet.

“Where are you going?” Felix asked, rubbing his eyes and Chan jumped in surprise when Felix spoke. His eyes were wide and for just a moment it looked like he had seen a ghost. “It’s pretty early.”

“Ah,” Chan said, straightening his back as he looked at Felix. He bit his lip and averted his eyes for a second before meeting Felix’s eyes. Felix narrowed his eyes a little. Chan was acting weird. “I’m heading over to Changbin’s,” he said and Felix nodded. “We need to work on the project.”

“I see,” Felix said, brushing his hair away from his forehead. “I’d say it’s a bit too early to leave and start working on a project for school. On a weekend.” Chan grinned sheepishly and shrugged. “But you’re due soon so I get it.”

“Yeah,” Chan said, taking a step back towards the door. He looked like he was in a hurry, like he needed to get away from the apartment right now. “Felix I-”

“Are you okay?” Felix asked, tilting his head. He could see Chan’s adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed hard. “You look a bit… off.”

“Bad dream,” Chan replied shortly, his face becoming serious as he looked at Felix. He took a deep breath, shoulders slumping when he exhaled. “Look, Felix,” he began and Felix’s stomach churned uncomfortably. This didn’t feel good at all. “I just need to go over to Changbin’s.”

“Okay,” Felix said, biting his lip. He didn’t want to push the matter further. “When are you coming ho-”

“I’ll be staying at Changbin’s for the weekend,” Chan said, cutting Felix’s off. This was very unlike Chan and Felix didn’t like it at all. But in this moment he felt like he couldn’t do anything but just nod mutely. “I’ll be back on monday or something,” he continued, pushing the door open.

“See you later,” Felix said quietly, lowering his head. There was a pause and Felix’s heart sank.

“See you,” came Chan’s reply and then the door clicked shut, leaving Felix alone with the deafening silence.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


The cafe was bustling as Felix sat down with Jisung, cup of caramel latte in his hand and Jisung beaming. He had been grinning like this ever since Felix had ordered and it remained all the way to the table.

“Giving up the pitch black demon coffee, ey?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows and Felix snorted as he brought the cup up to his lips. “Or just having a better sleeping period?”

“Something like that,” Felix murmured and Jisung nodded slowly, taking a sip of his own coffee. “How’s the project coming along? You were working on it this morning right?”

“Yeah,” Jisung said, rubbing his eyes. “Chan called at the crack of dawn to tell me to come to Changbin’s place.”

“I see,” Felix said, staring down at the cup. “Chan said he was gonna stay at Changbin’s to work on the project over the weekend.”

“He did?” Jisung asked, tilting his head. Felix just nodded, brows furrowing a little. “Maybe he just forgot to tell me that. He seemed a bit out of it today.”

“He did?” Felix asked and Jisung nodded. As Felix bit his lip, slowly falling into his own thoughts, Jisung narrowed his eyes and studied Felix’s face.

“Did you two fight?”

“What?” Felix asked, snapping back to reality to look at Jisung with wide eyes. Jisung gave him a pointed look. “No,” he said, shaking his head. Jisung remained silent. “No we didn’t fight but… but he was acting all weird this morning. I don’t know it just seemed like he had to get out of the apartment and I… He looked like he was scared of me or something? I don’t know and that makes me… upset.” He took a deep breath, shoulders slumping.

“It seemed like something had happened,” Jisung said after a heartbeat of silence and Felix nodded mutely. “I didn’t want to ask him about it, because he looked really bummed out.”

“He didn’t tell me anything,” Felix muttered and Jisung sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“He’s your best friend, right?” he asked after a moment of silence and Felix nodded wordlessly. “And you’ve been friends for years, right?” Felix nodded again. “Chan is a nice guy. I’m sure he just needs to sort out his thoughts and when he’s ready, he’ll talk to you.”

Felix sighed and nodded again. “I really hope so,” he whispered, unsure if Jisung really heard him.

“Are you free tonight?” Jisung asked and Felix snapped out of his own thoughts, looking at Jisung with wide eyes for a moment.

“Yeah? Why?”

“Do you wanna dye my hair?” Jisung asked, gesturing to his blond hair before he reached for his coffee again.

“Sure,” Felix said, his heart feeling a bit lighter as the subject changed. “What color do you want?”

“Blue!” Jisung replied excitedly.

“Blue?” Jisung nodded, grin still on his lips. “Are you sure?”

“Hell yeah,” he said, eyes gleaming with excitement. “I wanna be a blueberry.”

“A blueberry?” Felix questioned, raising an eyebrow and when Jisung replied with an excited ‘yes!’ he just shook his head, amused smile making its way up to his face. “Whatever you say, buddy. A blueberry it is.”

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


_Felix was tired. His eyelids were heavy and he felt like he was about to fall asleep at any moment now. He was laying on top of someone, holding their hand in his and he nuzzled his nose into the crook of their neck._

_They were talking, chatting about something and Felix was aware of the fact that he was speaking. But he couldn’t hear what either of them said. His brain felt muddled and his body heavy. He could feel a hand brush up his back and he tightened his grip of the hand he was holding._

_“Thank you,” he whispered, his heart feeling so warm in his chest. “For asking,” he continued and he could feel the hand holding his give his hand a gentle squeeze. “And for being here for me.”_

_Alongside the heavy feeling of sleep, Felix felt a bit confused. What was he saying? What was he talking about?_

_“Of course,” another voice came, a whisper in Felix’s ear. The voice was gentle and warm, making Felix’s whole body feel fuzzy. “I’ll always be here,” the voice continued and something brushed over Felix’s hand. He felt so comfortable and warm. He felt like he was home._

_“I love you so much,” Felix murmured, feeling sleep claiming him. His body was growing so heavy and he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore. He felt a hand brushing up and down his spine, the hum of the person under him vibrating in their chest._

_“I love you too, duckling,” the other person whispered and Felix hummed, giving their hand a weak squeeze. “Go to sleep, I’ll be keeping you safe,” were the last words Felix heard before sleep claimed him._

 

 

 

Felix opened his eyes, squinting in the bright morning light and he stared out the window. He sat up, rubbing his eyes as he did. He had forgotten to pull the blinds down, he thought as he looked over his very bright room as the light from the sun lit up the whole space. With winter and darkness approaching, the sun rose later and as Felix glanced to look at the clock, his suspicions were confirmed. It was past ten. He had indeed slept in this morning.

He stood up, his warm feet pressing against the cold floor and he immediately reached for the fuzzy, white socks that Seungmin had gotten him as a present for his birthday.

Armed with his fuzzy socks and the university’s hoodie, Felix padded across the room and headed towards the kitchen. As he walked through the apartment, he glanced towards Chan’s room. He expected Chan to be home by now, like he had said. It was a monday morning. He had only said the weekend. Felix bit his lip, stomach churning uncomfortably. It was starting to feel like Chan was avoiding him.

Maybe the project just took longer than expected, he told himself. Yeah it was probably just the project. Chan was a perfectionist and their deadline was this week.

He entered the kitchen and immediately went to turn on the coffee brewer. The sound of the brewer and the scent of coffee filled the air as he leaned against the kitchen counter. The moment of calm and peace gave him time to think and he recalled his dream.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t had a similar dream before but he had never heard the words this clearly before. Sometimes he heard talking and he could make out words or he could just _feel_ them. But this time they were so clear and the nickname used was ringing in the back of Felix’s mind.

The scent of coffee was heavy in the air as he poured himself a cup and he took it, returning to his previous position. He leaned against the counter, staring out into empty space as he brought his cup up to his lips.

“Duckling…” he said to himself, furrowing his brows. “What does that mean?”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been 84 years........ hELLO IT IS I. I am not dead, although it's close. I'm wrapping up the school year, grading my students and all that ya know. I'm almost done ;; summer break here we come
> 
> Thank you sO much for reading ;v; I'm sure you've figured it out by now hehe <3
> 
> As usual, pinkpunchmango on twt and cc. Feel free to come and yell at me <3 ily


	4. The questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The boy had so many questions. Oh, how he wished to find the answers._

 

 

 

 

 

“You look bummed out,” Minho commented as Felix entered the practice room. It was past school hours and the sky was dark outside the window to the room. Most of the day had been a blur for Felix. He had been distracted by both the dream and the fact that Chan was still not home. He had tried to text him but Chan hadn’t replied. “What’s on your mind?”

“A lot of things,” Felix sighed, sitting down before pulling out his shoes from his bag. “I think Chan is avoiding me.”

“Really?” Minho asked, raising an eyebrow. He was standing beside the soundboard, phone plugged into the system and in his hands but he gently put it down to instead approach Felix. “Is that why he didn’t show up at lunch today? I just thought he, Changbin and Jisung are busy with their project.”

“I mean sure they have their project,” Felix said, running a hand through his hair. “But he just left on Saturday to stay at Changbin’s place, telling me he was staying there over the weekend and get back ‘on Monday or something’.”

“He’s still not back?” Minho asked and Felix shook his head.

“He didn’t even text me to tell me he was gonna stay longer and that… that makes me worried.”

“Maybe he’s just really stressed and needs to pour himself into work?” Minho suggested and Felix hummed, biting his lip. “Does he have a reason to avoid you? Did you two fight or something?”

“We didn’t, which is why this is so weird,” Felix said, rubbing his face. He felt so confused and almost defeated. Chan had been a constant in his life for so long, they had never really been apart or not in contact for this long. “He just stood there by the door once day, telling me he would go to Changbin’s place for a bit and then he left. He never texted me over the weekend.”

“Did you text him?”

“Yeah I did,” Felix said, shoulders slumping. “I just sent him some stupid fact I found on the internet, thought he’d appreciate it and- I don’t know, maybe that made him smile or something. But he never replied…”

“I mean,” Minho began. “I can’t imagine a world where Chan would be avoiding you. Not really. He’s way too…” he trailed off and Felix looked up at him. “Anyway,” Minho said quickly. “Avoiding you seems very out of character for him. I feel like he is always very forward, at least with you, when there’s an issue.”

“He usually is,” Felix mumbled.

“Figured. You two are like joined to the hip,” Minho continued and Felix hummed absentmindedly. “Kinda like soulmates.”

“I don’t know,” Felix whined, rubbing his face again. “I just want things to become normal again. It feels so weird to not have him around, you know?”

“I can imagine,” Minho hummed just as the door to the room opened again. Both of them turned to look towards the door and Minho smiled as Hyunjin entered. “Let’s talk more about this after practice,” he said, patting Felix on the shoulder before he stood up. Felix sighed, nodding his head. “It’ll work out, somehow. I promise.”

Oh, how Felix hoped Minho would be right.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


“How did your date with Changbin go?” Felix asked immediately as he opened the door to his apartment for Seungmin. Seungmin raised an eyebrow but a smile stretched across his lips as he stepped inside.

“It went well, although I wouldn’t have called that a  _ date _ date you know?” he said and Felix nodded. “He did, however, ask me out,” he continued as he hung his jacket on the coat rack. There was a pause and Felix simply crossed his arms over his chest as he waited for Seungmin to continue.

“Are you going to tell me your reply or not?” he asked, raising an eyebrow as Seungmin’s teasing grin stretched wider.

“I said yes,” he finally said and Felix broke into a wide grin. “I mean I… I do like him but I feel like we need to…” he trailed off, biting his lower lip, “ _ date _ date to just see if it’ll work out, you know?”

“That sounds like a wise choice,” Felix said and Seungmin nodded. “And Changbin is on board with this whole trying thing?”

“He is.”

“And things won’t become weird between the two of you if it doesn’t work out?” Felix asked, raising an eyebrow. Seungmin bit his lip, pondering Felix’s question for a moment. 

“I don’t think so,” he replied and Felix nodded, a small smile on his lips. “We said we would try and if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just continue as friends. I love him as a friend and I don’t… it might be a bit awkward in the beginning if it doesn’t work out but I still want to keep him as a friend you know?”

“Yeah,” Felix said as they entered the living room. “That sounds like a good plan.”

Seungmin nodded before turning his attention to the journals on the living room table. “So…” he began, looking between Felix and the journals. “These are the journals, eh?”

“Yeah,” Felix said, nodding his head a little as they both moved to sit down on the couch. “I’ve… had quite a few dreams but I don’t know… should we go through it entry by entry, find a pattern or recurring themes?”

“That might be a good idea,” Seungmin mused, rubbing his chin. “Maybe we should try to look for people appearing in the dreams as well? Do you dream about people?”

“Sometimes,” Felix mumbled, thoughts traveling to the blond person in his dreams. “Mostly just… just one person but,” he shrugged, “sometimes there are others too.”

“Oh,” Seungmin said. “Alright.” He took a deep breath. “Shall we get started then?”

“Yes,” Felix said, eyes fixed on the journals in front of him.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


They ended up spending the whole day just reading through entries, noting down the few details here and there to try and get a bigger and fuller picture. When they were getting closer to the evening, boxes of takeouts and coffee cups were also taking up a lot of space on the table.

“So there’s… roughly 20 different people you dream about? At least recurring people, it seems,” Seungmin said as he looked over his notes in front of him.

“Possibly,” Felix said, chewing on his bottom lip. He scanned the table and all the journals. Something didn’t really feel right about the number of people. “But…” he trailed off, not taking his eyes off the books. He could feel Seungmin’s gaze at him. “What if they’re the same people?” he asked, finally turning to look at Seungmin.

“What do you mean?”

“What if they’re the same people, just with different appearances?”

“Oh,” Seungmin said softly, realization flashing in his eyes. He furrowed his brows and looked down at his notes. “That might actually be the case, considering you never really see their faces.”

“Yeah,” Felix said, nodding his head a little. He opened his mouth to say something but just as he did, the front door opened. Felix widened his eyes and stared at Seungmin. Seungmin stared back, looking just as surprised. “Chan!” Felix said just as Chan entered the room, heading towards his room.

“Oh, hi Felix,” Chan said, warm smile on his lips and Felix felt like maybe things weren’t that bad. “Seungmin,” Chan continued and Seungmin nodded his head.

“You were at Changbin’s place for a long time,” Felix said and Chan let out a sheepish laugh. 

“I know I was,” he said and Seungmin glanced between the two of them. “Things ended up taking way longer than expected and I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your messages.”

“It’s okay,” Felix said slowly. “You’re okay and that’s all that matters.”

“Yeah,” Chan said sheepishly as he began to move again. “I gotta go and finish some school work,” he said, gesturing towards his room. “You two have fun with,” he let his eyes wander the journals on the table and something flashed in his eyes, “whatever you’re doing.”

“See you Chan,” Seungmin said slowly and Felix just waved his hand as Chan disappeared into his room. Seungmin turned back to look at Felix, raising an eyebrow. Felix just shrugged.

“Let’s just continue,” he said, turning his attention to the journals and Seungmin’s notes. He suddenly felt a lot lighter, a bit happier and very hopeful. Maybe Chan wasn’t avoiding him.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


Chan was most definitely avoiding him. Felix grumbled as he sat down with his coffee at the cafe. Chan had been back home for two days now and Felix had barely seen him at all, let alone had he had enough time to actually speak to Chan about what had happened over the past few days. 

“Felix?” Jisung suddenly asked and Felix snapped out of his daze, turning his head to look at Jisung with wide eyes. “Are you okay? You seem kinda spaced out.”

“Do I?” Felix asked, cheeks turning pink. He hadn’t even noticed Jisung arriving, his mind had been so occupied. He really needed to work out a plan and solve things with Chan because even though Felix didn’t live alone, it felt as if he did. Chan was either locked up in his room or gone somewhere without telling Felix and it was getting to the point were Felix started to feel alone.

“When did you fall in love with Chan?”

“What?” Felix asked, snapping his head up to stare at Jisung. Jisung stared back, eyes wide as he brought his cup of coffee up to his lips. “What are you saying?”

“I just asked you when you fell in love with Chan?” he said, placing his cup back on the table. 

“I’m not-” Felix cut himself off, running his hand through his hair as he glanced around the cafe. He leaned closer to Jisung, his cheeks growing a bit warm. “I’m not in love with Chan,” he protested, shaking his head a little. Jisung raised an eyebrow, remaining silent. “I’m not!”

“Really?” Jisung asked, looking genuinely surprised. 

“We’re best friends,” Felix said, leaning back in his chair. “Why would you think I’m in love with him?”

“Well, honestly…” Jisung trailed off, averting his eyes for a moment. “I thought the two of you were… you know, a thing? For a time at least.”

“Why?” 

“Because Chan kept talking about you, how he had to make sure to not leave the studio too late because you were going out for dinner or how he needed to make sure you didn’t tire yourself out too much at practice,” Jisung explained and Felix frowned. “He has this look in his eyes when he talks about you… and honestly, you’re the same.”

“What?” Felix asked, tilting his head. “I don’t-”

“You do, but if you say you’re only friends I’m… not gonna push it,” Jisung said, holding up his hands. “You know your feelings and I’m not going to tell you what you’re feeling or anything. But you look at Chan with stars in your eyes, you smile when you talk about him and I can tell that the current situation is weighing heavy on both of you.”

“Your deadline is on Friday, right?” Felix asked and Jisung nodded. Felix chewed on his bottom lip, thoughts wandering off. What had he possibly done to Chan to get him to avoid him like this? “Is he… okay?”

“A bit spaced out and distracted,” Jisung replied and Felix’s heart sank. “Says he has a lot of nightmares. Is that common for him?”

“Yeah,” Felix said absentmindedly, staring down into his cup. Chan’s nightmares could be real bad, especially when they had been younger. 

“Has he had them for a long time?”

Felix nodded, taking a deep breath. “Since he was around fourteen,” he said after a moment and Jisung nodded, looking down at the table. “How is- maybe Changbin knows more about this…”

“I would assume Changbin knows more than me but honestly…” Jisung trailed off and Felix bit his lip. “I don’t know if he actually knows more than me,” he said, shoulders slumping. “Chan seems to keep to himself these days. I think he needs space to figure himself out.”

“Yeah…” Felix said, staring into his cup. Oh how he wished Chan would figure things out quickly. He wanted things to return to normal.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


**To:** Chan   
Are you avoiding me?

 

Felix stared at his phone, at the message he just sent. Chan had continued to come and go at random times, leaving before Felix woke up and then returning after he went to bed. He did leave small traces after him, showing that he was still alive but that was about it. He was most certainly avoiding Felix and it didn’t feel great.

 

**To:** Chan   
Did I do something? Can you please just talk to me?

 

His thumb hovered over the send button but with a sigh he just locked the phone, not bothering to send it. Chan hadn’t replied to any of his messages for a while now so what was the point? Felix groaned as he tossed his phone to the side and leaned back on the couch. He stared up into the ceiling for a while, letting his mind wander.

He didn’t think Chan was such a big part of his life. Like he knew Chan was a big part of his life, as he was Felix’s oldest and best friend and Felix liked to argue that their relationship was very deep and meaningful. But he didn’t expect to be knocked down like this the moment Chan disappeared from him. 

“Maybe I’m just too needy and ridiculous?” he asked out loud to no one in particular as he stared up at the white ceiling. He then sat up straight again and shifted his attention to the photo albums on the edge of the living room table. It were the ones his mom had sent him. He had been meaning to go through them with Chan.

He shifted a bit in his seat and reached for the album on top. It was a simple white book with the words ‘Photo album’ written in cursive, silver letters. Felix smiled a bit as he ran his fingers over the letters. Then he opened the book. On the first page, there were no photos but his mother’s handwriting.

_ Lee Felix’s first photo book. _

When he flipped to the next page, he was greeted with the hospital photo of he and his mom. His mom looked tired but she was smiling widely at the camera. Felix himself wasn’t more than a little bundle in her arms. 

All around the photos were small notes and cute stickers. Felix smiled as he brushed his finger over the ‘we’re finally home!’ just beside a picture of him and his dad. The next photo made him smile even wider. It was a photo of Chan, three years old and he was sitting in the gray couch, a bundle in his arms and he was grinning widely at the camera.

After that photo, Chan began to appear more frequently. He was there to hold Felix hand as Felix slowly, but surely, learned to walk. In almost every picture, the two of them were grinning and laughing together. Felix felt like his heart was about to explode with fondness.

He burst out laughing when he came across a picture of Chan standing on a footstool, eyes wide at the camera while Felix was on the floor. They had attempted baking that time, Chan being seven years old and Felix being four. They had dropped a bag of flour on the floor and as the picture was taken, Felix was happily on the floor in the middle of all the white powder.

His heart felt like it was swelling to double its size as he went through the photo album. He felt like he was reliving each and every memory as he went through. But as he reached the end of the first album, he just closed it and sat silent for a moment. As much as he wanted to continue, to look at the next album and relive more of the happy memories, he decided to wait. He wouldn’t go through the next album alone. He was determined to have Chan go through it with him.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


_ The forest around him was old, ancient. It was autumn, and he let his eyes wander over the beautiful yellows, oranges and reds of the nature. As he looked around, he couldn’t help but reach up and touch his own orange hair. He almost felt like he was home, among the autumn colors. There was a gentle chiming sound ringing through the air as he moved his head. His heart was drumming in his chest and his stomach swirled. Was he nervous?  _

_ As he reached a clearing, he stopped and looked around. He was looking for someone. Then he laid his eyes upon the figure in front of him. His vision went blurry for a second before returning to him and suddenly he could see everything so clearly. He could see the familiar angular chin, thick lips just slightly parted and eyes a beautiful gold.  _

_ “Chan,” Felix whispered, but no sound came. Happiness washed over him and Felix could feel his chest tighten. Chan’s hair was silver, curls moving gently in the still warm breeze. He had a line horizontally across his cheeks and nose and three vertical lines, one on each cheek and one just under his lip; all were a faint silver. Black antlers, twisted and jagged stood in contrast to his pale hair and ornaments adorned them, gleaming in the sunlight.  _

_ He exhaled and he could feel his whole body tremble as he took the first, careful step towards Chan. Tears were beginning to well up in his eyes and he had no idea why. He could see Chan approach him and he reached out towards him, hands trembling violently. When Chan reached him, he gently took Felix’s face in his hands and pressed a soft kiss on Felix’s lips. _

_ It felt like Felix’s heart exploded, emotions washing over him and he wasn’t sure why he felt so many emotions all at once. A sob slipped past his lips as Chan tightened his grip of him, deepening the kiss.  _

_ “Chan,” he repeated, louder this time and his hands kept grasping desperately at Chan’s cloak. He tried to speak, stuttering and stumbling over his words. He had an overwhelming need to hold onto Chan. He needed to hold him close. He had lost him before, he didn’t want to lose him again. _

_ “Felix,” Chan said, leaning back to look Felix over. He was still holding Felix’s face in his hands and he brushed his thumb over Felix’s cheekbone, drying some of the tears off. His eyes were glossy, his cheeks wet.  _

_ “I love you,” Felix found himself whispering, his voice cracking as he did. Another sob ripped through his chest and he lowered his head, pressing his forehead against Chan’s chest. He felt overwhelmed by emotions and he just cried them out. He felt Chan hold him close, his chest vibrating as he hummed soothingly. _

_ “I love you too,” Chan whispered, running a hand through Felix’s hair. “Please, let me-” he cut himself off, and Felix tightened his grip of Chan’s cloak. “Please let me look at you,” he said, his voice so small, wavering and broken.  _

_ Felix exhaled and straightened his back. His body was still trembling as he looked up to meet Chan’s gaze. Chan studied his face, his eyes glossy with tears as he began to trace Felix’s features. He let his fingers run along Felix’s jaw, tracing a pattern on his cheeks before he cupped his cheek with one hand, his thumb brushing over Felix’s lower lip. _

_ “You’re so beautiful, my love,” he whispered, breaking the peaceful silence. Felix swallowed hard, trying his best to not let his emotions overwhelm him again. “You lived such a good and long life. I’m sorry I-” _

_ “I found you,” Felix cut him off, his voice choked up and words broken. His hands came up to hold Chan's face and he just looked at him, tears clouding his vision. Chan exhaled, lips trembling and his adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I found you at last,” he whispered. _

_ “I’m so sorry,” Chan murmured, leaning his forehead against Felix’s. _

_ “You just left,” Felix sobbed, more tears rolling down his cheeks. “You left me that morning.” _

_ “I know I did,” Chan said, brushing his nose against Felix’s. “I didn’t want you to… I didn’t- I was dying Felix. You couldn’t have stopped it and I-” He cut himself off and inhaled sharply. “It was better if you didn’t know anything.” _

_ “I was so alone,” Felix cried and Chan let go of Felix’s face to instead wrap his arms around him. He held him close. “You left me.” _

_ “I know I did,” Chan replied weakly and another sob slipped past Felix’s lips. “I’m so sorry, my northern star.”  _

_ “I love you,” Felix sobbed, moving his head to press it into Chan’s shoulder. “Never let me go, never leave me again.” _

_ “I promise,” Chan said, brushing his hand up Felix’s spine. “I promise.” _

  
  
  


 

Felix sat up with a start, eyes wide as he looked around his room. It was bright, the autumn sun shining in through the window. He furrowed his brow as he reached for his dream journal to note down what he had dreamt of. As he did, a million questions were running through his head but there was one question that was louder than the rest of them.

Why had he been dreaming about Chan?

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


“Have you figured anything out about the dreams?” Seungmin asked, snapping Felix out of his thoughts. He was sitting in the library, mindlessly flipping through his dream journal. The memory of the dream was still playing in his head. What was going on and why was he in Felix’s dream? 

“I… I don’t know,” Felix replied, closing the journal in front of him. Seungmin hummed as he sat down in front of Felix. Felix took a deep breath, worrying on his bottom lip as he thought about his dream. Should he tell Seungmin about it? Maybe it would be for the best? Why shouldn’t he tell Seungmin about it? Seungmin was also trying to solve the mystery of their dreams. “I saw a face clearly.”

“You what?” Seungmin asked, eyes widening. He leaned a bit closer. “You got a clear view of a face?”

“I did,” Felix said, nodding his head slowly. “It didn’t really… help me find any answers,” he continue and Seungmin nodded, waiting for him to continue. “If anything it only led to more questions but…” He took a deep breath. “Chan was in my dream.”

“What?” Seungmin asked, furrowing his brows. “Chan?” 

Felix nodded, still chewing on his bottom lip.

“What happened in the dream?” 

“I… Well I was walking through a forest and I… It felt like I was nervous or something; like I knew what was waiting for me in the forest. It was like a mix of nervousness and excitement. Then I saw Chan. He didn’t look like the real life Chan, but I found myself calling him Chan.”

“Oh so you just… Like you just watched things happen, you didn’t have any power to control what you were doing?”

“No?” Felix said, furrowing his brows. “It was just a dream? Why and how would I be able to control what I was doing?” he asked and Seungmin bit his lip.

“Dunno,” he muttered, staring down at the table. “But I had a thought,” he said after a moment of silence and Felix hummed, looking at him with wide eyes as he waited for Seungmin to explain. “What if every dream is a memory?”

“A memory?” Felix asked, raising his eyebrows. 

“Yeah,” Seungmin said, rubbing his face. He bit his lip, gaze distant as he thought for a moment. “What if they’re from past lives? What if reincarnation is a thing?”

Felix blinked. He hadn’t thought about it like that. “I…” he trailed off, his mind suddenly too loud for him to handle. A million questions washed over him and he wasn’t sure where to start. “I suddenly feel very overwhelmed.”

“I’m gonna be honest with you… me too,” Seungmin said, chuckling as he massaged his temples. “Should we just ignore this for now, study and then go and eat lunch?”

“Yeah,” Felix said, rubbing his eyes. “That sounds like a very good plan.”

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


Felix didn’t care that he had to stay up all night, he wasn’t thinking about how the sleepiness and tiredness was settling in his bones. All he cared about was answers. He had had enough of Chan avoiding him. This time he wouldn’t get away with some lame excuse. 

Felix was watching as the sun rose outside the living room window and as soon as the door handle to Chan’s door clicked open, he bolted out of the armchair and headed towards Chan’s room, hoping to block Chan’s path.

“Chan,” Felix said as Chan closed the door to his room. He was wearing a hoodie, the dark circles under his eyes darker than they usually were and his hair messy. His bag looked heavier than usual and was slung over his shoulder. He widened his eyes as he stared at Felix before his eyes began to flicker around nervously, as if he was looking for an escape route.

“Hi, Felix,” Chan said, voice wavering ever so slightly. Felix crossed his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow as he waited for an explanation. His head was spinning with so many questions. Who was Chan to him? Who was he to Chan? Why did he see Chan in his dreams? But in this very moment, his focus was on getting the answer to one of his million questions.

Why was Chan avoiding him?

“Listen Felix I need to leave,” Chan said, eyes flickering around nervously. Felix’s heart was beating loudly in his chest as he took a step closer to Chan. “I really-”

“You need to explain something to me,” Felix said, raising his voice. “Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you,” Chan protested but Felix didn’t believe him for even a second.

“Bullshit,” Felix spat, narrowing his eyes. “You’ve been avoiding me. You haven’t even talked to me for days and I want an explanation for it.”

“I can’t,” Chan whispered, lowering his head. “I can’t, Felix… I-”

“Just fuckin’ tell me!” Felix said, voice loud and he could feel tears welling up in his eyes. “Did I do anything?” Chan remained silent. “Just fuckin' talk to me Chan!”

“I… You don’t understand,” Chan mumbled, head still low and eyes glued on the floor.

“Of course I don’t!” Felix yelled, voice choked. “You won’t even talk to me! We’ve been friends for years. Best friends. You’re the most important person in my life and you just fuckin’ disappeared for days without saying anything.”

Chan didn’t say anything and a sob slipped past Felix’s lips. He was so angry. So sad. So worked up. He didn’t know what to do.

“Duckling…” Chan whispered and Felix’s world stopped. Chan looked up at him, eyes glossy and wide. Felix stared back. His knees felt weak, his heart hammering in his chest and tears were rolling down his cheeks. 

“What did you call me?” he asked, voice so small and barely a whisper. Chan exhaled, lips trembling as he did.

“Duckling,” he said, his voice cracking and he looked so heartbroken. Felix’s heart ached and another sob slipped past his lips. “I called you duckling.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO IM NOT DEAD AND THIS STORY ISNT DEAD EITHER  
> sorry it's been taking me a while to get here o<-< i've been busy and was hit with a damn writers block on top of everything ;;  
> I will say that the next chapter might take a while too ;; because I'm currently trying to write my own novel so ;; 
> 
> but thank you so much for reading <3 ily <3 i hope you liked this chapter!
> 
> you can find me @ pinkpunchmango on both twt and cc <3


	5. The lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _So lost. Oh, the souls were so lost._

 

 

 

 

 

 

_They were in a castle and they were only children. Felix had to look up a little when he was looking at Chan. Chan looked at him with such soft eyes it almost hurt Felix's little heart._

_“We did some remodeling this year,” Felix said as he and Chan walked down the hallway, hand in hand. They passed by a few servants on the way towards Felix’s bedroom and Felix made sure to politely greet everyone. The servants only greeted them with small nods and warm smiles. “But I got to change rooms this year too, as I told you.”_

_“I remember,” Chan said fondly, smiling softly as he followed Felix. Felix was almost bouncing as they reached his bedroom door. He grabbed the handle with his free hand and pushed the door open as he let go of Chan’s hand. He stepped aside to let Chan enter his room before closing the door and shuffling over to the window._

_“So I have a really nice view over the garden,” he began as he leaned against the windowsill, looking out over the view from his window. He could hear Chan approach, his steps quiet and careful as he walked up to the window. “And you can see the town as well. You can see the market from here and it’s usually really pretty when the harvest festival takes place because of all the lights and-”_

_“You’re so cute duckling,” Chan said, cutting Felix off. Felix spun around, wide grin on his face and-_

_“Wait,” he said, suddenly realizing what Chan just called him. He blinked. “What did you call me?” he asked, tilting his head. Chan’s ears turned red and he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck._

_“I-” he said, averting his eyes for a second before looking back. “I called you duckling.”_

_“Why?”_

_“You’re cute, like a little duckling,” Chan began, the pink of his ears slowly spreading to his cheeks as well. “Your hair is really soft, like duckling feathers… and,” he swallowed, “you kind of follow me around like a duckling.”_

_“Oh,” Felix said, face growing warm and he pressed the back of his hand against his cheek. “B-but if I have a nickname, you need one too!” he continued, trying to change the subject before his face went red._

_“Well, I suppose that’s fair,” Chan said and Felix beamed, his cheeks still warm._

_The scene blurred for a second as their surroundings changed. From the warm castle, the scenery changed to a wide open field with a few archery targets in front of them. From standing in front a young Chan, Felix was now standing in front of an adult. Black hair neatly styled and brushed to the side, dressed in a beautiful jacket with golden embroideries._

_Felix couldn't help but stare at Chan for a second, trying to process what was happening. But then, as if on autopilot, he turned back to the archery target. He pulled the string of the bow back, his eyes fixed at the target in front of his him as he aimed. He exhaled calmly, releasing the arrow. It went through the air silently, quickly hitting the second ring on the target and he couldn’t hold back the curse. Behind him, he could hear Chan chuckling and the grass rustled gently as he closed the space between them._

_“You’re lucky your father wasn’t here to hear that,” he said, placing his hands on Felix’s waist as Felix lowered the bow. Chan pressed a gentle kiss on Felix’s neck, nuzzling his nose into the soft skin._

_“It was a bad shot,” Felix said, reaching for another arrow from the quiver on his belt. Chan hummed, kissing Felix’s neck once again before letting him go, giving him space to draw his bow again. He rolled his shoulders once, taking a deep breath before pulling the string back again. He took a second to focus, to aim, before releasing the second arrow. The string of the bow snapped against his leather bracers as he watched the arrow. This one sailed through the air with a bit more speed than the first, hitting the center of the target._

_With a wide grin stretching his lips, Felix spun around to face Chan. Chan was smiling softly, his eyes holding so much adoration as he clapped his hands._

_“I didn’t think the first shot was all that bad,” he said as Felix unstrung the bow. Felix just shrugged, placing his bow to the side. “But,” he continued, gently taking Felix’s face in his hands as he approached, “I am not very good at archery, am I?”_

_“You’re not, sunshine,” Felix cooed, grinning as Chan kissed him._

_“When are you going to let that nickname go?” he asked, his voice so soft and loving when they parted. Felix only grinned wider, eyes crinkling as he did._

_“When you let duckling go,” he replied, laughing when Chan leaned closer to kiss him again. “So I guess... never,” he murmured, his lips just ghosting over Chan’s._

_“I guess so,” Chan hummed, pressing a third, short kiss on Felix’s lips before letting his face go._

 

  


 

Felix knees buckled and he would have stumbled to the ground, had Chan not been there. His chest felt tight, memories of his dreams, the dreams he had been having for years, flooding back to him. He held onto the back of Chan’s shirt, sobbing into his chest. He was so confused and he just wanted Chan _back._

“Please stop,” Felix hiccuped, hands grasping desperately at Chan’s shirt. “Stop avoiding me.”

“I’m sorry,” Chan whispered, tightening his grasp of Felix. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“I don’t-” Felix sobbed, his heart aching in his chest. “You can’t avoid me. It hurts and I-”

“Breathe,” Chan said, patting Felix on the back of the head. “Please breathe, Felix,” he said and Felix nodded into his chest, his grip of Chan’s shirt still tight.

“Please,” Felix begged, tightening his grip of Chan’s shirt. He never wanted to let go. “Please don’t- Stop avoiding me. Please.”

“I won’t,” Chan whispered, his voice calm and soothing in Felix’s ear. “I promise.”

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


“What is going on?” Felix asked as he sat on Chan’s bed, shoulders slumped. Chan was sitting on the other side of the bed. Both of them were dressed in their pajamas as they had decided that maybe it would be for the best if they talked things out before bed.

“I don’t know,” Chan said, running a hand through his hair. He looked oh so tired and Felix’s heart ached.

“Why did you avoid me?” Felix asked after a moment of silence. Chan looked up at him, eyes wide. He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it and bit his bottom lip. 

“I have dreams, just like you,” Chan said and Felix nodded. Chan looked down again, avoiding Felix’s gaze. “I mean… you knew that.”

Felix nodded again, chewing on his bottom lip.

“And they- Just like yours, they never really made sense you know? I never saw faces. I never heard names and I could never make out the voices.” He shrugged, shoulders slumping forward. “But then… a while ago I-” He paused to take a deep breath. “The dream was clear. I saw the face of the person who has been appearing in my dreams.”

“And?”

“And it was you?”

“Me?” Felix asked, furrowing his brows as Chan nodded. “I…” He trailed off, his thoughts drifting off and he took a deep breath. Chan had been honest with him, he should be honest too. “I’ve seen you in my dreams.”

“What?”

“It wasn’t very long ago that my dreams cleared up but…” Felix shrugged. “I saw your face.”

Chan stared at Felix for a moment, taking Felix’s words in and Felix bit his lip, nodding his head a little.

“What does this mean?” Chan whispered. Felix sighed, shrugging again. “What… What happened in your dream? What did I look like?”

“You…” Felix trailed off as he recalled the dream. He moved over on the bed, the mattress creaking as the weight shifted. He settled in front of Chan, sitting on his knees and he studied Chan’s face. “I was in a forest, an old forest with tall trees during autumn. I was walking towards a clearing and then… then I saw you.” He swallowed hard, his hand trembling as he reached out to brush some of Chan’s curls away from his forehead. “Your hair was silver in the dream as well.” He moved his hand to stroke his fingers over Chan’s cheeks. “You had these marks on your face and your eyes were golden. You had a pair of antlers too, dark an-”

He wasn’t able to finish his sentence before a sob slipped past Chan’s lips and Chan quickly hid his face in his hands. 

“Chan?” Felix asked, reaching out to wrap his fingers around Chan’s wrist. Worry began to gnaw on Felix’s gut as Chan sobbed. “What’s wrong?”

“I-” Chan inhaled sharply, moving his hands from his face as he tried to catch his breath. Tears were rolling down his face and Felix wanted to reach out and dry them off, but Chan was faster. “I had a dream.”

Felix nodded.

“The first dream I had when I actually saw your face,” he continued, letting out a shaky breath. “And… and you had orange hair,” he whispered, reaching out to run his fingers through Felix’s hair. “White markings on your face,” he brushed the back of his hand over Felix’s cheek. “And a pair of antlers adorned with various ornaments. And…”

“And?” Felix asked, almost afraid for what Chan was going to say. 

“You were killed,” Chan whispered, tears beginning to roll down his cheeks again. 

Felix’s breath hitched, his heart stuttering in his chest and his blood running cold.

“I was confused. I don’t know what these dreams mean and… and then I saw your face, you were killed. I needed… I needed to leave. I didn’t- I didn’t want to ignore and avoid you but I-” He paused, sniffling as he reached up to dry the fresh tears off his cheeks. “I needed to think.”

“I understand,” Felix whispered.

“I’m sorry,” Chan said, his voice so small. Felix shook his head, a small smile on his lips as he wrapped his arms around Chan. “I’m sorry,” Chan repeated, another sob bubbling to the surface and he wrapped his arms around Felix. His body trembled as he cried, his face pressed into Felix’s shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Felix assured him, rocking him back and forth. He could feel his chest tighten and his vision was becoming blurry with tears. “We’ll figure this out.”

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


“You look…” Seungmin began as Felix joined him in the library, trailing off as he thought for a second. “You look pretty damn tired,” he said and Felix groaned, laying his head down on the table. “What’s happening? Are you and Chan still having trouble in paradise?”

“We’re not dating if that’s what you’re implying,” Felix mumbled, face still against the table and Seungmin simply hummed. “But I did… I did speak to him yesterday.”

“Oh?” Seungmin said, snorting when Felix only hummed as a reply. “You gotta give me more than a hum. What did he say?”

“He told me about his dreams.”

“Wait, dreams?” Seungmin asked before Felix could say anything else. “What kind of dreams? Like… Like our dreams?”

“Yes,” Felix said, nodding his head as he chewed on his lip. “I think… I think our dreams are connected.”

“What?”

“Chan is dreaming of the same things as me,” Felix whispered, looking down at his hands. “We… We talked about them yesterday. He told me about why he avoided me and then we went over some of the dreams, like the settings and events we were able to recall and…”

“And..?” Seungmin asked as Felix trailed off. 

“They match,” Felix breathed, not believing his own words. “They seem to match at least so… so they should be connected.”

“Oh,” Seungmin said, blinking rapidly a few times. “Well that’s… a lot to take in.”

Felix nodded.

“So… what now?” Seungmin asked, leaning back in his chair as Felix tilted his head. “What are you going to do now?”

“I guess we’re just…” Felix trailed off and he took a deep breath, shoulders slumping as he exhaled. “We’re just gonna try to figure this out.”

“Would you mind if I joined?” Seungmin asked, his face softening when Felix shook his head. “Maybe I could come over to you some time next week?”

“That would be great,” Felix said, offering Seungmin a small smile. He still felt confused and lost, but his heart was beginning to feel a bit lighter in his chest.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


“When are you going on your internship?” Felix asked, breaking the comfortable silence and Woojin looked up from his food. Jisung also paused his eating to look up, eyes curious as he glanced between Woojin and Felix.

“You have an internship coming up?” he asked and Woojin nodded, smile stretching on his lips.

“As a speech therapist student, yes,” he replied and Jisung let out a soft ‘oh’. “And yes it’s coming up soon. I’m waiting for my institution to place me somewhere and then I’m just gonna get in contact with them and set everything up.”

“Are you excited about it?”

“I am,” Woojin said, leaning back in his chair. Just as he opened his mouth, steps behind him could be heard and he looked up. Felix did the same, his heart growing warm in his chest when he saw Chan. “Hey Chan.”

“Hi,” Chan said as he walked around the table to sit down beside Felix. Felix couldn’t help but smile widely at Chan. “What were you talking about? I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

“Just my upcoming internship,” Woojin said and Chan nodded a little, reaching out to ruffle Felix’s hair. Woojin raised an eyebrow but he didn’t comment on it, instead he continued. “It’s going to be a lot of fun to, you know, be able to use what I’ve learned over the years.”

“That’s understandable,” Chan said and Woojin smiled, eyes shifting between Chan and Felix. 

Felix just furrowed his brows but decided to shrug it off.

“Hey,” Minho said as he and Hyunjin appeared by the table. Minho sat down beside Woojin and Hyunjin sat down in front of him, beside Chan. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much really,” Woojin said, shrugging and Minho hummed before sending a pointed look towards Felix. There was a moment of silence and Felix tilted his head. 

“What’s up?” he asked but Minho just shook his head.

“So when can I expect you back at practice?” he asked, a grin making its way up on his face and Felix groaned, hiding his face in his hands.

“The performance knocked the air out of me I swear to god,” he muttered, the palms of his hands pressing against his cheeks as they grew warmer with embarrassment. He had been skipping a few practice sessions with Minho and Hyunjin when the whole thing with Chan had started. “I’ll be back this week, promise!” 

“I’ll hold you to that,” Minho said, still grinning.

Jisung patted Felix’s back, giving him a soft smile and Felix grinned back. As he glanced over, he caught Chan staring at him. He raised both eyebrows, waiting for Chan to say something but Chan just shook his head, a small smile on his lips.

“Nothing,” he said as he turned back to his food. 

Felix blinked, confused but as Seungmin and Changbin joined them at the table, his attention was quickly taken off Chan. For the moment at least.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


_He knew he was dreaming. He knew he was watching a past memory._

_He was standing in front of a large, black dragon surrounded by rubble and smoke. The dragon’s breathing was shallow, it’s eyes closed. His heart ached in his chest as he watched the dragon. Something about this was so familiar and so painful to him._

_“Chan,” he breathed, falling to his knees beside the head of the dragon. “Please open your eyes,” he whispered, placing his hand on the dragon’s snout. At that, the dragon reacted and Felix breathed a sigh of relief. “Please shift back,” he said, brushing his hand over the rough scales._

_The dragon watched him for a moment with hazy, yellow eyes. Felix continued to brush his hand over the scales, his chest tightening. What if Chan couldn’t shift back? There was a pause, a moment of silence and relief washed over Felix when Chan shifted back. As the tension let go of him, emotions washed over him and he moved over to Chan’s side._

_Chan’s breathing was shallow, eyes closed as Felix laid his head in his lap. Felix brushed his fingers over Chan’s cheek as a sob slipped past his lips. Chan's face was bloody and bruised, but he was alive and relief washed over Felix._

_“Love,” Chan breathed, eyes fluttering open. “Do not cry for me.”_

_“You could-” Felix hiccuped, the words getting stuck in his throat. Chan’s eyelids were heavy, eyes hooded as he looked at Felix with a soft smile on his lips. Felix felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. “I could have lost you,” he finally got out, cupping Chan’s cheek and brushing his thumb over Chan’s cheekbone. “You knew the risks,” he cried, bowing his head._

_“I did,” Chan said weakly, his fingers brushing over Felix’s jaw and Felix looked up to meet his gaze._

_“Then why-” Another sob tore through his chest and more tears welled up. “I was so scared,” he whispered, voice wavering. “Why did you do it?”_

_“I did it to protect you,” Chan whispered and Felix’s breath hitched. Chan made an attempt to sit up and Felix helped him. In the end, Chan was laying in Felix’s arm, his piercing, yellow eyes locked with Felix’s. “I have to protect you.”_

_“You could have been stuck as a dragon,” Felix whispered, brushing the back of his hand over Chan’s bruised cheek. “Or you might be stuck as a human from now on.”_

_“It was a risk worth taking,” Chan murmured, taking Felix’s hand in his. “You’re worth it." He looked over Felix's face, eyes so soft it broke Felix's heart. "You're bleeding, vorel."_

_A sob bubbled in Felix’s chest and he tightened his grip around Chan’s fingers, bringing his hand up to his lips, pressing a kiss on the back of Chan’s hand. There was a pause, a stillness in the air and the only sound was Felix’s quiet sobs._

_“Nothing,” Felix began, his voice wavering and he took a deep breath, trying to control his voice a little. “Nothing could ever have prepared me for you,” he whispered and Chan laughed, giving Felix’s hand a weak squeeze. “But I’m thankful to fate. For bringing you to me.”_

_Chan laughed again, breathless laugh as Felix held him close. “Keep finding me,” he whispered, only for Felix to hear. “When I get lost,” he gave Felix’s hand another squeeze, “find me.” Felix exhaled, breath shaky and tears rolling down his cheeks as he leaned down to kiss Chan. “Bring me home.”_

_“Always,” Felix sobbed, brushing his thumb over Chan’s cheekbone. “I’ll find you, over and over again.”_

_Chan remained silent, small smile on his lips and he reached up a hand to dry the tears off Felix’s cheek. Relief was finally washed over him and as he cried out all the fear he had been carrying, he felt that everything would be fine. They would be okay._

_They were home._

  


 

Felix slowly opened his eyes, the dream still fresh in his mind. He felt warm and when he looked to the side, he realized why. Chan was laying beside him, still asleep. He was grasping weakly at Felix’s sleeping shirt, the one with the duck that Changbin had gotten Felix for his birthday last year. 

He looked so peaceful when he slept and Felix’s chest felt warm as he studied Chan’s face. 

Sleeping in the same bed as Chan wasn’t an oddity. It happened, especially during periods when their dreams were bad. To Felix, having Chan beside him seemed to soothe his dreams a little and they were less violent and more peaceful. 

“Mornin’,” Chan rasped and Felix snapped out of his thoughts. He hadn’t noticed Chan had woken up. 

“Good morning,” he said as Chan let go of his shirt to sit up. “Slept well?” he asked as he also sat up. 

“Yeah,” Chan said, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Felix couldn’t hold back a small laugh as he saw Chan’s hair. “What?”

“Your hair…” Felix said, reaching out to smooth down the wild curls. Chan grimaced. “It looks cute, I promise,” he assured and Chan hummed.

“Ew you’re too close,” Chan said, teasing grin on his lips. “Your morning breath is horrible.”

“Excuse you,” Felix said, sticking out his tongue. “I smell like flowers.”

“Sure you do,” Chan said with a grin and an eyeroll, reaching out to smooth down Felix’s bangs. “Any plans for today?”

“I’m meeting Minho for coffee later today, but otherwise I’m free,” he said and Chan nodded, his sleepy gaze distant and Felix smiled again, his heart fluttering weirdly in his chest. “You?”

“Just meeting Jisung to go over some lyrics feedback,” he said, his gaze still distant and he held back a yawn. “I wasn’t planning on doing much work today,” he said and Felix playfully rolled his eyes. “Stop,” Chan whined, shoving Felix and Felix laughed. “I’m able to relax too!”

“Sure you are,” Felix said, grin on his lips as he got out of bed. Chan only grinned, his eyes turning into cute crescent moons and Felix’s heart did a _thing._ “Sure you are,” he repeated, his voice wavering ever so slightly.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


Felix liked going out for coffee, or tea if he was feeling like that. With Seungmin, he got coffee as they discussed the dreams or studied. With Jisung, they got coffee when they were just going to chat about this and that. He and Minho, however, usually just went to a smaller café off campus to get coffee and then just enjoy each other’s silence.

Sometimes they held quiet conversations, but they were never as lively as the conversations Jisung and Felix usually had.

Felix enjoyed going out for coffee with Minho. There was something very calming of just sitting in a dimly lit café, occasionally chatting about Felix’s adventures in the kitchen or Minho’s cats.

Some days he just wanted some peace and quiet without having to be alone and today was one of those days. 

“Are you and Chan finally dating?” Minho asked, causing Felix to choke on his coffee. “What? You are?”

“No?” Felix said, reaching for a tissue as he stared at Minho. “What makes you think that?” he asked, lowering his voice and leaning closer to Minho. He didn’t need the whole café to hear this conversation. 

Minho shrugged. “You two seemed to have made up and you seemed really comfortable with each other yesterday?”

“We’re best friends?”

“Felix,” Minho said, his tone growing serious and Felix raised an eyebrow. “You can’t tell me that you don’t know.”

“Know what?”

Minho gave him a long glance, his eyes narrowed and Felix felt small. Minho sighed, bringing both his hands up to rub his temples.

“The two of you are idiots,” he said and Felix tilted his head. “I can’t believe you’ve been friends your whole lives and still are this bad at reading each other.”

“Are you saying that…” Felix trailed off, his heart picking up speed in his chest and he swallowed hard. Minho raised an eyebrow, not looking impressed at all. 

“Chan is in love with you.”

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


_Chan is in love with you._

The words didn’t leave Felix’s mind. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Chan was, according to Minho, in love with him. He wasn’t sure on how long he had been sitting at his desk, staring blankly at the empty document on his screen as he processed what Minho had said. 

The mere thought of Chan being in love with him made him almost giddy. He felt confused and he just tried to pinpoint his own thoughts and emotions. 

Was he in love with Chan?

A knock snapped Felix out of his daze and he jumped in surprise at the sudden sound. He turned towards the door, eyes wide as he called out a ‘come in.’ 

The door opened carefully, creaking as Chan stepped inside. Felix’s heart leaped in his chest as he saw him and he swallowed hard.

_Chan is in love with you._

He shook his head, trying to get Minho’s voice out of his mind. 

“Hey,” Chan said as he walked over to Felix’s bed, sitting down. Felix followed him with his gaze. “How was the coffee date with Minho?”

“It was good,” Felix said, clearing his throat as his voice cracked at the end of his sentence. Chan smiled, nodding his head a little. There was some tension between them and Felix wasn’t sure what to make of it. “How was your day?”

“It’s been good,” Chan said quickly and Felix raised an eyebrow. “Me and Changbin were writing some lyrics before he went on a date with Seungmin.”

“Ah,” Felix said, grinning. “Young love, eh?”

“Yeah…” Chan said, the tension between them returning and Felix bit his lip as he looked at Chan. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” Chan said, thankfully breaking the silence between them.

“Yeah?” Felix asked, tilting his head a little. “What is it?”

Chan was silent for a moment before he took a deep breath and spoke up. “Are you and Jisung dating?”

“Are Jisung and I- what? No?” Felix blinked before furrowing his brows. “Does it seem like we’re dating?”

“I don’t know,” Chan said, raising his hands. “I just thought that maybe you were, you know, trying to date? You two are together a lot so I just assumed…”

“We’re not dating,” Felix clarified and Chan let out a soft ‘oh’. “Why were you asking?” he asked after a second of silence, mustering all his courage to ask the simple question.

“No reason,” Chan said, shaking his head and he stood up. “I was merely curious. Do you want take outs for dinner?” he asked, changing the subject.

“I- Sure?”

“Pizza, is that okay?” Chan asked, already making his way out of the room and Felix felt beyond confused at this point. 

“Yeah that sounds good,” he said and Chan hummed, giving Felix a wide smile as he grasped the door handle.

“I’ll call the restaurant then,” he said and Felix nodded, blinking in confusion as Chan closed the door. 

Silence rang in the room as Felix sat there alone, trying to process what had just happened.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


Since Seungmin and Felix rarely focused on studying when it was only the two of them, they had decided to ask Jisung to join them on their study dates. It had proven to be a good decision as they had returned to actually study when they were on their study dates.

The three of them were sitting in the library in silence, all reading up on their various subjects. The only sounds were the low murmurs of a different study group as well as the tapping from Seungmin’s computer as Seungmin worked on his essay.

“I think I have a crush on Woojin,” Jisung said, breaking the silence and Felix looked up from his book. Jisung was staring out into empty space, his gaze distant before he seemed to snap back to reality to look at Felix. “Like, a really big fat crush.”

“Oh,” Felix said.

“Oh,” Seungmin said.

“Yeah,” Jisung said. 

Silence fell over the table and Jisung looked between Felix and Seungmin. 

“Are you going to do anything about it?” Felix asked, slowly closing his book. 

“I don’t… know? Maybe?” Jisung bit his lip and pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. “I mean… I could always ask him on a date? If he says no, he says no but… I dunno. Would he be interested in me?”

“Woojin is… hard to read sometimes,” Seungmin began, tilting the screen of his laptop down a bit as he spoke. “But he’s not the kind of guy to never speak to you again if you ask him out.”

“Should I just ask him out then?” Jisung asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Felix thought for a second before nodding his head. “I mean, why not?” he said, shrugging. “It might lead to something great. If he says no, as you said, he says no. I doubt there’s any worry that he’d stop talking to you or anything.”

“I guess,” Jisung said, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair. “I just… I’d like to… try to date him and.. You know.”

“I don’t but I guess,” Seungmin said, tilting his screen up again and Jisung snorted. Felix only smiled, opening his book again.

“Are you going to talk to Chan?” Jisung asked and Felix snapped his head up, eyes wide.

“What?”

“Are you going to talk to Chan?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“About what?” Felix asked, cursing himself for letting his voice waver. He sighed and closed his book again. Seungmin looked up from his computer again. None of them said anything as Felix leaned back in his chair, shoulders slumped. “I don’t… Minho said Chan is in love with me.”

“I’d say he’s in love with you too,” Seungmin said and Felix bit his lip. “Are you in love with him?” he asked.

Felix thought back to when he was sitting in his room, after Minho had told him about Chan. He took a deep breath before nodding. “I am.”

“You should tell him,” Seungmin said, his expression softening and Felix looked down at his hands in his lap. “You two have been dancing around each other for far too long.”

Felix nodded.

“I guess.” He sighed, swallowing hard. “I… I’ll think about it. Maybe I’ll tell him.”

“Take your time,” Jisung said, smiling as Felix looked up again. “Do what you’re comfortable with.”

Felix nodded and the three of them seemed to have silently agreed to drop the subject as they all returned to their studies, not mentioning crushes or confessions anymore.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


Felix’s heart was hammering in his chest as he stood in front of Chan’s door. He could hear the gentle tapping of Chan’s fingers against the keyboard of his laptop from inside and his stomach swooped. 

He would do it. He could do it.

He _had_ to do it. Now or never. 

As he held his breath, he reached to knock gently on Chan’s door. When he knocked, he pulled his hand back as if the door had been hot.

“Come in,” came Chan’s voice, raspy but gentle as always. 

Gathering whatever courage he had, Felix pushed the handle down and entered.

Chan was sitting at his desk, dressed in a black hoodie and skinny jeans. He smiled, that kind of smile that was exclusive for Felix, when he saw him and Felix’s heart squeezed in his chest. He swallowed hard and opened his mouth, but no words came to him.

“Are you okay?” Chan asked, the smile falling off his face as it was replaced by a worried expression. _No, don’t stop smiling please._ Chan stood up, furrowing his brows as he walked up to Felix. Felix’s heart was rushing in his chest and he could feel his breathing picking up.

“I’m okay,” Felix whispered as Chan stopped in front of him.

They were silent, just staring at each other. Felix took a deep breath before he reached up towards Chan’s face. Chan didn’t say anything nor did he pull away. With trembling fingers Felix began to trace invisible patterns on Chan’s face. 

  
  
  


_Felix reached out slowly, not saying a single word as he ran his index finger over Chan’s thick brow. Chan didn’t say anything either and he let his eyes fall shut, allowing Felix to gently stroke his eyebrows before he started to slowly trace the marks on Chan’s face. His fingertips ghosted over Chan’s skin. Chan’s skin was cold under his warm touch. As his finger was tracing the bridge of Chan’s nose, Chan opened his eyes._

_They stared at each other for a moment, neither of them saying anything or even moving. Chan’s eyes were dark, almost black but as he looked at Felix, Felix could have sworn that he saw a twinkle of gold in them._

_Felix began to move again, his fingers brushing over the vertical line just under Chan’s lips and for a second, his eyes broke eye contact with Chan, flickering down to look at his lips. Chan let out a nervous, shaky breath as Felix gently stroked his thumb over Chan’s bottom lip. He reached up, placing his hand on Felix’s cheek. Felix’s heart leaped in his chest as Chan brushed his cold thumb over his warm skin. A small, content sigh slipped past his lips as his eyes fluttered shut, his head leaning slightly against Chan’s touch._

_He opened his eyes again to look into Chan’s eyes, his heart still beating fast in his chest. He moved his hand, from Chan’s lips to brush some of his hair away from his forehead before resting it on Chan’s chest. He leaned down, stopping just as their noses brushed together._

_“Is this okay?” he whispered, staring deep into Chan’s eyes._

_“More than okay,” Chan replied, voice barely audible as the words passed his lips. The glint of gold sparked again and he pressed his lips against Chan’s. Despite the cold being so deeply rooted inside Chan, he made Felix feel warm._

_When they parted, Felix was smiling widely, and he took a deep breath before speaking. “I think I am falling in love with you, Chan of the Blessed Fields,” he whispered, leaning closer to nuzzle his nose against Chan’s cheek. Chan’s hand was still resting on Felix’s cheek, thumb caressing his soft skin._

_“And I…” he began, voice low and rumbling in his chest as he turned his face just a little to be face to face with Felix again. “I think I am falling in love with you, my Northern Star.”_

_Felix laughed, cradling Chan’s face in his gentle hands as he did. His heart fluttered like the wings of a butterfly. “You’re awfully sentimental, love,” he whispered, kissing Chan once again._

  
  


“I’m in love with you,” Felix whispered, brushing his thumb over Chan’s bottom lip.

Chan exhaled, his breath fanning over Felix’s fingers and he placed his warm hand on Felix’s jaw. He didn’t say anything as he brought Felix’s face closer, pressing his lips against Felix’s. 

Felix’s heart did a backflip in his chest, his hand dropping from Chan’s face to instead grasp at Chan’s hoodie. He tugged Chan closer, deepening the kiss. Chan’s lips were so warm and it caused warmth to bloom in Felix’s chest. 

They parted but remained close, their breaths mingling together as they tried to get the air back in their lungs. Felix looked at Chan, his grasp of Chan’s hoodie almost desperate as he waited for Chan to say something.

“I’m in love with you too.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS BEEN 84 YEARS. HELLO. I'M ALIVE. Barely. I've been traveling for a month, prepared for a performance, been to a concert, tried writing 30k on a novel in a month. oh boy have I been busy. On top of everything I wasn't really feeling this so I let it rest for a bit bUT NOW IM BACK. Hopefully it won't take 2 months for me to write another chapter orz i'm really sorry orz
> 
> I GUESS THE SECRET IS OUT THO owo <3
> 
> you can come and scream at me/ask me questions at pinkpunchmango on twt and cc <3


	6. The fate touched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Be patient, fate touched ones. The truth shall be revealed._

 

 

 

 

 

“Thanks for letting me join you,” Chan said, breaking the silence at the table. Seungmin looked up from the scribbled notes he had in his hand, lips slightly parted and eyes wide. Then his expression softened and he smiled.

“I should say thank _you_ for letting me join,” Seungmin said, smiling. “You two had decided to try and solve this. I asked to join.”

“Yeah but you and Felix have been trying to solve this for a while,” Chan clarified and Seungmin hummed. “So it’s more like I’m joining you.”

“That’s fair,” Seungmin said, placing the papers down at the table. “But I mean-” He shrugged. “You have the dreams as well. It’s only fair that you join,” he continued and Chan nodded slowly, his gaze becoming distant. Then he seemed to snap back to reality.

“What are your dreams about?” he asked and Seungmin sighed, leaning back in his chair.

“I dream about a dark world,” he began, pausing for a second to think. “I didn’t start writing down my dreams until recently but… It’s a lot of darkness.”

Both Felix and Chan nodded. Felix had briefly heard about Seungmin’s dreams but not in details. They had only discussed them as they tried to fill the holes in Felix’s already existing dream journals.

“I know I live with someone else, or maybe more than one person,” Seungmin continued and Felix nodded again. “The world is dark and it’s… it’s almost like I’m trying to hide the person I’m living with. I’m trying to protect them. And then for some reason… I make a deal with something. I don’t know exactly what the deal is about but I remember the deal.”

“That’s… rather confusing,” Chan said and Seungmin nodded.

“But as far as I can tell...” he continued but then he paused. “Felix and I discussed the possibility of this being memories from past lives.”

“You mean like… reincarnation?” Chan asked and Felix nodded, biting his lower lip. “That would make a lot of sense actually, if I’m being honest.”

“Yeah so,” Seungmin said, rubbing his chin a little. “What I can tell, based on my still very vague dreams and Felix’s dream journals, is that I only recall one of my past lives while Felix is recalling multiple.”

“Oh,” Chan said, leaning back in his chair. “So judging by the fact that mine and Felix’s dreams are linked should mean that I have dreams of multiple lifetimes as well?”

“Yes, exactly.”

“I see…” Chan trailed off, his gaze distant as he stared at the notes on the table. “Would it make sense if there’s one lifetime I dream about more than the others?”

“It would,” Felix said, reaching out to grab Chan’s hand under the table. “Because as I went through my notes with the thought of them all being different lives, I noticed that I remember one more than the others.”

“Really?”

Felix nodded.

“Which one?” Chan asked, chewing on his lips.

“The…” Felix trailed off, thinking of how he should explain it. “The one in the castle, with the lake and the moon. I dream about walking in a peaceful forest or through hallways of a castle a lot…” he trailed off as he observed Chan’s expression closely. “I assume that’s not the lifetime you remember the most?”

“It’s not,” Chan continued and Felix’s gut twisted. There was something in Chan’s eyes; something that made Felix feel so, so sad. “I remember the… the one where you’re killed.”

Felix’s heart dropped.

“I remember that one the most,” he said and nodded slowly, blinking a few times as if to blink the tears out of his eyes.

“I see,” Seungmin said, shifting a little in the chair. He swallowed hard and thought for a moment as silence lowered itself over the table.

“But if we have multiple ones and Seungmin have one,” Felix began, breaking the silence. “Technically we should be able to see if there’s one lifetime where Seungmin fits in too, right?”

“I guess?” Chan said, looking between Seungmin and Felix. He furrowed his brows. “I’m pretty new on this but I guess?”

“We should at least be able to match what dream journal matches what lifetime and maybe you can fill out the blanks?” Seungmin said and Chan nodded.

“Alright,” Felix said, reaching out to grab a pen off the table. “I guess we’ll just start writing timelines then. What would be the easiest way to begin?”

“Start with journal entry one and then puzzle it all together,” Seungmin said as he pushed a few empty papers to Felix. “And Chan, you can just write down the different types of dreams you have. That would give us an idea about the dreams and we can try to establish which ones belong to what lifetime.”

Chan simply nodded, taking a pen and an empty paper and then he began to scribble.

Silence filled the room, only broken by the sound of pens scratching against paper. Felix kept glancing at Chan every now and then, his heart stuttering in his chest every time.

Then he managed to catch Chan’s gaze. There was a second where they just looked at each other and then Chan smiled, turning back the paper but the smile remained. It made Felix feel all warm and fuzzy.

As he continued to stare at Chan, he suddenly became aware of Seungmin and snapped his head around. Seungmin was glancing up from the papers in front of him, knowing smile on his lips. 

Felix’s ears heated up in embarrassment and he turned back to the paper again.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


“Should we tell the others?” Felix asked, his quiet voice breaking through the silent air in the dark room. He couldn’t sleep. His mind was too busy thinking about him, Chan, the dreams and their relationship.

“I think that’s a good idea, yeah” Chan said, his voice heavy with sleep and Felix couldn’t hold the smile off his face. 

“Do you think anyone will be surprised?” he asked and Chan was silent for a moment. Just as Felix was about to ask again, thinking Chan had actually fallen asleep, Chan spoke up.

“No,” he said. “No I don’t think anyone will be surprised. Do you?” 

“No,” Felix said, tugging a bit on Chan’s shirt. “How do you think they’ll take it?”

“Go to sleep, Felix,” Chan said, his voice raspy and he spoke slowly.

“But-”

“I’m tired, which never happens,” Chan said and Felix bit back a smile. Chan did have a point. “I really want to sleep so… Let’s just sleep.”

“Okay,” Felix whispered as he cuddled into Chan’s side. “Goodnight, Chan.”

The response was delayed and Felix could feel himself starting to feel drowsy. He felt warm and secure, all wrapped up beside Chan. He was on the verge of sleep as he heard Chan’s quiet whisper.

“Goodnight, duckling.”

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


“Chan and I are dating,” Felix said at the lunch table and all movement ceased. Seungmin gave Felix a knowing look as he continued to eat. Changbing stared. Jisung grinned as he leaned back in his chair. Minho began to look between the two of them. Hyunjin immediately pulled out his phone, probably texting Jeongin. Woojin smiled as he reached for his glass. Chan froze, eyes wide as he stared at Felix. “What? You said it would be a good idea to tell them.”

“Yeah but-” Chan shook his head, smile on his lips as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “I was expecting a bit more finesse but I guess not.”

“I’m gonna say this and I think I speak for everyone when I say it,” Minho began as he looked between everyone around the table. “But god. Fuckin’ finally.”

“You two weren’t exactly subtle the other day,” Seungmin said and Felix felt his ears heat up. 

“I’m glad!” Jisung said, grinning from ear to ear. “See I told you you didn’t have to worry,” he continued, looking at Felix. Chan looked between Jisung and Felix, raising an eyebrow. Felix could feel his ears heat up but he just shook his head.

“I’m just gonna say this because Seungmin and Changbin had to promise this too,” Woojin began, the smile still lingering on his lips. “But if the two of you dating somehow doesn’t work out, promise that you’ll be civil about it and that it won’t ruin the group.”

“I promise,” Felix said, placing on hand over his heart while raising the other in the air.

“Promise,” Chan said, giving Woojin a nod and a serious look.

“That’s all I needed to hear,” Woojin said, grinning from ear to ear. “I’m happy that you two finally worked it out.”

“Yeah,” Felix said, turning back to his food as more congratulations followed. His cheeks felt warm as well as his chest. He glanced up at Chan across the table and managed to catch Chan’s eyes. Chan smiled back and Felix’s heart fluttered.

He felt so unbelievably happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was dark. Felix exhaled, trying to calm his racing heart down. He remembered most of his dreams. But he had never been in this one before. He was in a dream. He was so aware that he was in a dream, but he felt weighted down. _He had no escape from this dream._ He swallowed hard, opening his mouth to call out for someone. But then there was a small sound behind him and he spun around, his heart leaping.

“Felix?” Chan said, blinking as he walked closer. It was odd, because he looked like Felix’s Chan. Like non-dream, real life Felix’s Chan. Sure Chan frequently starred in Felix’s dreams, but it was always another version of Chan. This was _his_ Chan, dressed in his faded One Piece t-shirt and blue checkered pajamas pants. 

“Chan?” Felix breathed, reaching out to take Chan’s hand in his as soon as he could. “What are you doing in my dream?” he asked, studying Chan’s face. It was weird, to be so aware that he was in a dream.

“Your dream?” Chan asked, tilting his head a little. “I thought it was… my dream…”

“Are we in the same dream?” Felix asked slowly, looking around again. The space around them was still pitch black.

“We must be…” Chan whispered. They looked around, trying to find anything that could tell them where they were. 

Felix opened his mouth to speak, but immediately closed it as light appeared in the distance. It was a pale silver light and as whatever carried the light entered the room, both Felix and Chan had to shield their eyes. As the light dimmed a little, they could see two figures but they were both very vague and almost blurry. 

Time around them seemed to pick up the pace and Felix looked around the cavern they were in with wide eyes as it was changing in front of them. The cavern was large, rectangular and for now there were a handful of people here. Felix and Chan were standing in the opening into the large room and as Felix looked around, he realized that they were standing in a tunnel, the walls rough and uneven. 

Without a word, Chan began to walk further into the cavern and tugged Felix along. As they stepped a foot inside the rectangular room, the floor lit up like a ripple across the floor. Runes in languages Felix couldn’t understand lit up in a warm gold and around them, things continued to change.

They walked slowly, through the time of this rectangular cavern. Things moved in a blur around them. They watched weddings, midsummer celebrations, funerals. They watched as life played out in front of them. When they reached a small pond of silver liquid, they both stopped. 

On the wall beside the pool was two symbols. One silver bird facing east and a black bird facing west. As time passed, they could see the symbol of the silver bird fading just a little. It was emitting a weak light as the life in the cave slowed down. Suddenly, the cavern was empty but time continued to pass.

“Is this an abandoned temple?” Felix asked, his voice a mere whisper and he held onto Chan’s hand tightly.

“I don’t know. I think so,” Chan whispered and they looked towards the wall. The space was empty and cold. But then, the sound of low voices began to echo through the cave.

They weren’t loud, nor were they fast like the others had been. Time seemed to have slowed down. But the voices grew closer and closer, along with careful footsteps. Felix tightened his grip of Chan’s hand as two figures appeared in the other end of the room. 

The two figures looked around the room before focusing on the floor. Both of them crouched down to study something on the floor. 

“I can’t… I don’t recognize the language,” a voice said and Felix widened his eyes. This was _his_ voice. “It looks kind of like Elvish,” the voice, the other Felix, continued. His voice was low, a quiet whisper to the one beside him. “But older?”

“There’s some influences of draconic too,” the other one said and there was a pause. “But they’re not enough that I can make out what it says.”

The figures stood up and Felix exhaled loudly, turning to look at Chan with wide eyes. 

“That’s your voice,” he whispered and Chan just nodded, unable to reply.

“Did you go further than this?” the other Felix asked.

Felix turned his attention back to the other Felix and the other Chan as the footsteps began to echo in the vast hall. 

“I didn’t,” the other Chan replied.

“Is this from before the Eruvafendë?” the other Felix wondered. Felix furrowed his brows. He had a vague memory of hearing that name before but he wasn’t sure what it really meant. 

“Maybe,” the other Chan said. “It’s possible. I didn’t know about this so… I think it’s safe to say it’s from the first age.” 

Felix looked at Chan but Chan just shrugged. Felix looked back at the other versions of them as they approached. He felt like he had heard talk about the first age before but he couldn’t remember when or where. 

They came closer and into the light, where Felix was able to make out more of their features. It was the two of them. They looked the same except for a few different things. The other Chan was blond and as Felix laid his eyes on him, everything just suddenly clicked. The blond man he had been with so many times in his dreams was this Chan. 

The Chan in front of them had yellow, piercing eyes that scanned the room before stopping at the glowing symbol of the two birds. 

The other Felix had brown hair, brown eyes and didn’t look that much different from Felix except the hair. But on a closer look, Felix could see that the edges of his ears were jagged and uneven, as if parts of his ears had been cut off. 

“Have you seen this symbol before?” the brown haired Felix asked as he turned to look at Chan. The adoration was so clear in his eyes that Felix’s heart squeezed. Somewhere in the back of his head he wondered if this was how the other’s saw him with his Chan. 

“I haven’t,” Chan said, meeting Felix’s gaze.

There was a pause as they just stared at each other, their surroundings so silent that Felix could hear their breathing. As he looked at the two in front of them, Chan gently squeezed his hand. Felix turned to look at Chan, his Chan. Chan didn’t say anything, he just smiled softly in the dim light. Felix couldn’t help the smile that bloomed on his lips and he turned back to look ahead. 

The blond Chan reached out a hand, brushing his fingers over Felix’s dark hair before settling his hand on Felix’s cheek.

“You’re so beautiful,” the brown haired Felix whispered, his voice almost too quiet for Felix to hear. Felix could feel his cheeks heat up and Chan’s grip of his hand tightened. 

The room was silent again as the blond Chan leaned in to kiss Felix. There were some murmurs being exchanged but both were too quiet for Felix to hear anything. The two of them remained close, exchanging words between kisses but still Felix wasn’t able to catch anything. 

It almost felt like he was intruding on something private. He looked away and back at Chan.

“What is going on?” he asked and Chan shrugged. He glanced back at the blond Chan and the brown haired Felix and then back at Felix.

“I think that whatever has tied us together wants us to see this,” he whispered, giving Felix’s hand another squeeze. Felix was just about to reply when the brown haired Felix spoke up.

“Should we continue?” he asked and the blond Chan nodded, brushing his thumb over Felix’s cheekbone before letting his arm drop to his side.

They continued forward until they reached the pool of silver liquid. Chan and Felix remained by the symbol with the two birds and they just watched as the blond Chan and the brown haired Felix inspected the water. Felix reached into the liquid and then brought his hand to his nose.

“Do you have any idea what this is?” the other Felix said, glancing over at his Chan. Chan shook his head, eyes fixed in front of them. Felix followed his line of sight, to the other side of the pool. 

As the two of them stared into the darkness on the other side of the pool, Felix furrowed his brows a little but looked in that direction as well. There was a gleam of something beyond the pool.

“Should we go and see what it is?” the blond Chan asked as they stood up again. Felix nodded and gave Chan’s hand a squeeze, eyes still fixed at the light on the other side of the pool. The pool wasn’t deep, the deepest part of it just reaching up to their knees as they waded through the liquid. 

Felix and Chan stood there, watching as they disappeared into the darkness. As they disappeared, it seemed like the time began to move faster again. Their surroundings became blurry again and while no one seemed to enter the cave, things changed.

The silver light from the bird facing east was dimming and soon, the symbol was gone and the smudged black symbol of a raven remained alone on the wall. The cave was dark for a moment, complete darkness surrounded them until a single torch suddenly appeared. There was no trace of a person but the torch seemed to burn endlessly as time continued to pass by quickly.

The pool of the silver liquid that the other Felix and the other Chan had waded through seemed to get deeper and slowly the color began to shift from the clear and beautiful silver to a dark crimson. The metallic scent in the air was growing stronger. 

Suddenly time slowed down again.

“What’s going on?” Chan asked, pulling Felix a bit closer. 

“I don’t know,” Felix replied, his chest feeling tight and his heart speeding up in his chest. He felt scared.

From the darkness, from where the other Chan and Felix had come from, the sound of footsteps began to sound and both Felix and Chan turned towards the sound.

From the darkness, another Chan stepped out and into the faint light of the torch. Felix recognized this one immediately. This was the one that had left him; the one that he had been reunited with in that clearing. This Chan had dark eyes, black hair that was slowly fading to silver and a pair of black antlers twisting in unnatural angles. 

Beside him, Chan’s breath hitched and he took a step back. Felix turned to look at him.

“This… this is the lifetime I lost you,” he whispered and Felix could see the tears beginning to well up in his eyes. He gave Chan’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

“This is also a happy lifetime,” he replied quietly, his heart feeling warm as he said that. “They get their happy ending… somehow.”

Chan nodded, blinking rapidly a few times before he turned back to look at the Chan in front of them. 

The dark haired Chan crouched down by the pool of red liquid and dipped his fingers in. He brought his hand into the light and Felix could see his fingers trembling as he did. Then the dark haired Chan looked around the room again. 

His gaze stopped at the symbol of the raven head as he stood up. He seemed to be contemplating what to do. 

Felix froze in place as the dark haired Chan looked right at him. Could he see him?

But that didn’t seem to be the case as the dark haired Chan looked back at the pool of water, took a deep breath and stepped into the pool.

Chan and Felix could only watch as the other Chan submerged himself in the water. Felix tightened his grip of Chan’s hand, his breath hitching as he realized that the other Chan was not going to come back to the surface.

There was another shift in the air and they were suddenly standing in a dark space, illuminated by faintly glowing red threads that were all reaching towards the same place. As Felix looked down at their hands, he realized that both he and Chan had a red string tied around their wrists. As the strings continued into the darkness around them, the two strings seemed to be intertwined. 

Voices could be heard but it felt like his ears were full of cotton and he couldn’t make anything out. His mind was spinning and he wasn’t sure what to think or do. He looked over at Chan and Chan seemed to be just as lost as he was. 

“What do you require, Oathbreaker?” a deep female voice suddenly rang out all around them, clear in Felix’s ears and their surroundings seemed to brighten a little.

He could see the dark haired Chan again, in front of what Felix could only describe as a giant. A large, white porcelain mask with hollow eyes and dark red lips stared down at him. Her hand was huge too, a long finger with a sharp nail tilting Chan’s head up to look at her. 

As Felix saw her, he realized that this was where all the red strings were reaching. Around the giant’s head was a tiara, a thin gold band around her head with three points. At the base of the center point was the skull of a raven, resting against the middle of the mask’s forehead. He could see that from the center point, at the tip, there was a million red threads connected. 

“I-I,” the other Chan began as the hand slowly pulled back from him. As it did, Felix could see all the slim fingers, covered in what looked like leather gloves and sharp, claw like nails on each finger. “I need Felix back.”

Felix’s breath hitched and the memory of the pain returned to him.

“I can sense your desperation, Oathbreaker,” the large woman spoke, her voice still cold and harsh. 

“I’ll do anything,” Chan whispered. “I’ll give you anything just please,” he choked on a sob bubbling in his chest. “Give him back to me.”

There was a pause as the woman pulled back into the darkness. 

“Anything you say?” she said, her voice suddenly a lot softer and more directed to a place right in front of Chan. It wasn’t omnipresent anymore. Felix felt fear twist in his gut. “I can sense your grief, your pain, Oathbreaker.”

Chan opened his mouth, but as the woman stepped out of the shadows again, he shut his mouth. Felix could see her too. She was dressed in black, mostly blending in with the surroundings. But he could still see her long, dark gown, reaching down to the floor. A tight leather corset was wrapped around her waist and on her shoulders were long raven feathers, and more feathers were wrapped around her neck, enhancing her upright and regal posture.

“You’ve changed fates,” she said and she looked around the room, her eyes seeming to linger on Chan and Felix beside them. The mask was gone and he could see her face. Her skin was pale, almost white and her lips just as pale. Her eyes were a striking red, almost glowing in the darkness as she stared at Chan. The skin around her eyes were dark, fading over to a lighter gray and under her eyes, a soft shade of red. When she stopped, she reached out a hand to gently take two of the red strings on her left. “You and that cleric, the son of Many Suns…” she trailed off, running her finger over the threads before her eyes flickered back to Chan. “Your threads are intertwined.”

Felix’s heart stuttered.

“W-what… does that change anything?”

“You’re meant to continue living. You both are,” the woman spoke, letting go of the threads to reach out to touch Chan’s face. She gently caressed his face with her sharp talon like nails. “I will give him back to you,” she whispered, just loud enough for Felix to hear and a sob slipped past Chan’s lips.  She was silent for a moment as she dried the tears off his cheeks. “But… I need something in return.”

“Anything,” Chan breathed as she ran her thumb over his cheek. “I beg of you... restore him to me.”

“I want just one thing, devoted Oathbreaker,” she said slowly, letting go of Chan’s face to take his hands. Her hands were cold, her fingers slender as she traced the golden marks on his hands and arms. “You serve my friend Ehlonna now, but when you pass, you shall divide your time between me and her. I want you to come to my domain and carry out tasks for me when I need you.”

Felix had no idea what they were talking about but he watched as the dark haired Chan nodded. The woman smiled softly and she reached out to stroke his hair. 

“Good,” she whispered and Felix could see Chan swallowed hard, his adam’s apple bobbing. “Can I ask one favor of you, my blessed one?”

“Of course, m-my lady,” Chan said and she chuckled, stroking the back of her fingers over Chan’s cheek. 

“Will you tell Seungmin I said hello and I ask of him to be a bit more careful in the future with contacting other planes,” she said. 

Felix’s blood ran cold as she mentioned Seungmin’s name. How was Seungmin connected to this? He stared at the woman and the dark haired Chan as Chan nodded, seemingly at a loss for words. When he glanced to the side, the silver haired Chan beside him was pale, his eyes wide as he stared at the scene in front of them. 

“Well then,” the woman began and Felix looked back at her. Her voice had gone from cold to very soft and warm. “I will see you when fate allows you, my dear Chan,” she said, the smile lingering as the shadows around seemed to swallow Chan.

In a moment, it was only Chan, Felix and the woman alone in the room.

Felix held his breath, his grip of Chan’s hand tight and his heart pounding in his chest. Fear was grasping at his whole being and something in the back of his head told him that this was a bad situation. They should get away.

“Felix,” Chan said as he began to tug at Felix’s hand, Felix looked back at him. Chan was slowly backing away from the woman, eyes still fixed on her. “We should-”

“My fate touched,” the woman spoke and Felix snapped his head around to stare at her. She was looking right at them, a faint smile on her lips as she took a step towards them. 

She could see them.

Felix’s heart stuttered and he swallowed hard. 

“Who are you?” Felix asked, his whole body screaming at him to back away from her as she approached but he was frozen, locked in place. 

“I am the Raven Queen,” she spoke, her voice turning cold once again and a chill went down Felix’s spine. “I am the goddess of fate and death.” She paused for a moment as she looked between Chan and Felix. “I believe I owe you an explanation.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Hi, hello, ily thank you for still reading this <3  
> 2\. Writers block is a bitch
> 
> No but really thank you all so much for the patience with this ;; I'm slowly working on this and we just passed 35k on the document jhdhjd I had to split the last chapter in two because oh man it would have been a chunky boi if i didn't.
> 
> Thank you all so much, I'm pinkpunchmango on twt and cc in case u wanna talk<3


	7. The dreamer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The dreamer sleeps so soundly. The dreams are sometimes peaceful, but sometimes they're not._

 

 

 

 

 

_ “I believe I owe you an explanation.” _

  
  


 

 

Felix blinked as he stared at the woman, something just clicking in the back of his mind. He knew who this was. He didn’t know how or why but he knew this woman.

“You’re the Raven Queen,” he whispered, the words slipping past his lips before he could stop himself.

The woman smiled and nodded her head. Chan’s grip of Felix’s hand tightened and he inhaled sharply.

“M-my queen,” he said, bowing but the Raven Queen raised her hand, smiling softly at him.

“There’s no need for that, my old friend,” she said as Chan straightened his back. “You have not served me in decades and I have not provided you with direct help. There’s no need to call me that anymore.”

There was a pause as Felix and Chan just stared at the Raven Queen. She simply took a moment to look the two of them over, fond smile on her lips as she did. It was like a mother looking over her children that she hadn’t seen in years.

“Why are we here?” Felix asked, his grip of Chan’s hand tight. 

“I figured out it would be for the best if I brought you here and talked to you, rather than letting you two and Seungmin continue to try and solve it,” she said softly after a moment of silence. She chuckled and brushed some of her black hair behind her ear. “It’s not more than right that I clarify things for you. You’ve suffered through your existence.”

“What are our dreams?” Chan asked, looking at the Raven Queen directly. “Why do we have them?”

Silence echoed in the vast space and Felix glanced around anxiously. He couldn’t see anything but endless darkness and red, glimmering threads. As he looked around, it seemed like the threads were almost flickering in and out of existence. As if they were disappearing.

“I can’t tell you why you, out of all your countless lifetimes, has received them,” she finally replied with a sad smile on her lips. “Maybe it’s because I’m dying.”

“You’re dying?” Felix asked, snapping his head back to stare at her with wide eyes. “B-but aren’t you like… a goddess?”

“I am.”

“Then how..?”

“Deities lives off our followers and believers,” she began to explain. 

There was a flicker and they were back in the grand hall they had seen. It was back to its grand state, with glowing runes on the floor and the black and white bird heads painted on the wall, the white one glowing faintly. But despite the hall being restored to what it once had been, it was empty.

“All my followers are dead,” she said, sigh slipping past her lips. “While deities sometimes lives for a longer while, surpassing the existence of their religion, we will all fade into the Fall Realm at some point.”

“Oh…” Felix trailed off and he looked over to the symbol of the two birds. “Why are there two birds?”

The Raven Queen looked over to the symbol, fond smile stretching on her red lips. 

“I wasn’t always alone.”

Chan and Felix looked at each other, eyes wide. The Raven Queen sighed again and she walked over to the small pond. She snapped her fingers and a bench appeared, beside the pond and in front of the symbol. She pulled the skirt of her dress closer to herself and sat down. 

A moment of silence. 

“Would you two mind keeping me company?” she asked, patting the space on the bench. 

“Not at all,” Chan said without any hesitation and he gently pulled Felix along with him to sit down. 

The three of them sat in silence for a split second before the Raven Queen began to speak again.

“I was created alone. By whom I do not know. Despite us being deities, we do not know who weaves us into existence.” She sighed as she clasped her hands together in her lap. “I was alone for many, many years. Not many humans wish to pray to the goddess of death… I think I would have faded into the Far Realm had it not been for her.”

“Her?” Chan asked, his voice a quiet whisper.

The Raven Queen hummed but she didn’t take her eyes off the symbol.

“Her name was Istus and while I’m the deity of death and fate, she was the deity of time. It was like we were meant to be together and people slowly started to worship us in unison.”

She gestured to the grand room.

“This was all in her grace. One day she appeared by my side and we were together ever since.”

“But then… where is she?” Felix asked, following the long silence after the Raven Queen’s last words. He felt almost scared asking this, his stomach churning nervously. 

“One day, she began to fade,” she said, sadness lacing her voice. As she spoke, the white bird on the wall began to fade away. “She didn’t tell me the truth at first. But the day before she truly faded into the Far Realm. She told me the truth.” She took a deep breath. “She wasn’t the one destined to fade into the realm of the forgotten, I was. But she had made a deal with the Sun father... Pelor... Narsil Atar… Whatever you want to call him. So he made the switch possible, together with Melora, the Wildmother or Hráva Emmë if you will.”

“So Istus took your place?”

“She did.”

A pause.

“What happened afterwards?”

“I was struck by grief. I could not manage my followers anymore and the count dwindled. Some still stayed loyal and when I got back up again, I made sure to tend to the few who were still loyal to me. I tried to… I tried to stay positive. Because even if a deity ends up in the Far Realm, there’s a chance of them returning. If faith in them is restored, they can come back.”

She gestured to the pond with liquid silver.

“This is the blood of Istus,” she explained and Felix widened his eyes. When the Raven Queen turned back to look at them, she made eye contact with Felix and she laughed. “Not literally, child of Ehlonna,” she said with a warm smile and Felix’s eyes flickered between her face and the pond. “It’s referred to by that name. It was water blessed by her and it turned silver when she blessed it. She promised that the silver would remain until she passed from existence.”

Another silent moment.

“Can I ask something?” Chan asked and the Raven Queen turned her sharp, red eyes to him. “Where do Felix and I come in?”

“You two appeared, in a past life, in the middle of my mourning,” she began. “I showed you the past where the two of you walked through these halls, waded through the blood of Istus and made it to my chambers. And in those chambers, you vowed to stay with each other for the rest of your existence. In that moment, I was so struck by grief that I could not grant you this wish. As the goddess of death and fate, I tied the two of you together for the rest of existence.”

Felix blinked, his mind running wild. 

“So are we…” He trailed off and bit his lip as he paused for a second. He looked over at Chan, his grip of Chan’s hand tightening. “Are we always destined to fall in love?”

The Raven Queen smiled. 

“Whether you fall in love or not is up to you,” she said, her voice soft. “What I did was simply to make sure you’d find each other in every life. You still retain your own will.”

“Oh.”

“So the first time we were here, in past lives,” Chan began and Felix looked at him. He had a hard time to wrap his mind around everything he had been told. “That time, we waded through silver.”

“Yes.”

“But the second time where I appeared alone…” Chan trailed off and took a deep breath. “The pond wasn’t silver anymore. It looked like-”

“Blood.”

“Yes,” Chan breathed. “Why?”

“Because as long as Istus remained in the Far Realm, she was still alive so to say. But when she faded from the Far Realm, when she faded out of existence, her silver blood turned red.”

Felix’s heart sank.

“So she’s… she’s gone?”

“Yes,” the Raven Queen said after a moment of silence, a heavy sigh slipping past her lips. “She died and I am all alone.”

“But why… why are we bound?” Chan asked.

“You came here not long after Istus faded to the Far Realm,” the Raven Queen said, straightening her back again. She looked towards the other side of the lake. Felix followed her gaze and saw the dull, pulsing red light of the large crystals. “I was grieving, alone in our temple and forgotten by my worshippers. No one had found our temple in years.”

She took a deep breath, clasping her hands together.

“Then you found your way here. And you didn’t just remain in the main hall of the temple. You walked right into the heart of the temple, and that’s where you made an oath to each other.”

Felix blinked, turning to look at Chan and then back to the Raven Queen. 

“In that moment, I saw two souls in love who wanted nothing but to remain together,” she said, taking her red eyes off her hands to turn to Chan and Felix. “I had been separated from the love of my existence. I wasn’t going to let you be.”

Silence echoed in the temple. Felix didn’t know what to say and it seemed like Chan had no idea either. Then the Raven Queen spoke up again.

“We’re running out of time,” she said, eyes wandering their surroundings. “I do not know why you suddenly remember all your previous lives, because even though I am a goddess, I don’t have all the answers. Sadly. I’ve told you what I know.”

“Thank you,” Chan said as the three of them stood up. 

The Raven Queen shook her head, walking over to Chan. She took his face in her hands, stroking his cheek with her thumb. Then she leaned down to press a kiss on his forehead. 

“You have nothing to thank me for, my blessed one,” she said with so much affection in her voice. She turned to Felix, now taking his face in her hands. “Millenniums have passed since you went by this name, but I don’t think you’ve changed much, Son of Many Suns,” she said with a smile on her face and she pressed a kiss on his forehead.

“Why was I called that?” Felix asked.

“I do not know everything, little one,” she said as she let go of his face and she pulled back. “The reason behind your nickname is something I don’t know,” she continued, still smiling.

Felix nodded and as he did, he noticed that the world around them was starting to fade.

“It’s time for you to return to the waking world,” the Raven Queen said. “I will visit Seungmin as soon as I can. You have to understand that this takes a lot of energy.”

Felix and Chan nodded, reaching out to take each other’s hand. 

“But would you mind telling him I said hello and that I am very proud of him?” she asked.

“Will do,” Chan said and her smile stretched wider.

“Always my little messenger,” she said as she began to fade into the darkness around her. “I shall see you two again. When the right time has come.”

Then the world faded to black. 

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


Both Felix and Chan woke with a startle as someone banged on their door. Chan was curled up into Felix’s side and he looked up, bleary eyed and his silver hair a curly mess. Felix rubbed his eyes, still laying down as Chan sat up.

“What time is it?” he asked, his voice raspy and he coughed, clearing his throat. 

Chan blinked, still looking too tired and out of it to reply.

Another hard knock on the door echoed through the apartment and Felix sat up. He shook his head, blinking rapidly in an attempt to wake himself up. He threw Chan a short glance before moving to get out of bed.

The wooden floor was cold as he padded across the apartment, trying to be as quick as possible to stop the hurried knocking. 

He opened the door, catching Seungmin just as he was about to knock on the door again. Seungmin looked at him, surprised at the door opening all of a sudden.

“Have you been waiting for a long time?” Felix asked, leaning against the doorway as he held back a yawn. Sleep still hadn’t really left him, his vivid dream still lingering in the back of his head. He blinked. “Sorry, we were both asleep.”

“I’ve been knocking for five minutes,” Seungmin said, looking Felix over. His brows were furrowed and eyes narrowed. But he still looked relieved. “I got worried but if you were just asleep, that’s fine.”

“We were going to do a summary of the dreams today, right?” Felix asked, rubbing his eyes. Seungmin nodded. “Come in, let’s make some coffee and get Chan back to the world of the living,” he continued, moving to the side to let Seungmin into the apartment. “We really need to sit down and talk about what happened tonight.”

“Oh?” Seungmin said, raising an eyebrow as he kicked off his shoes. “Care to share some?”

“Let’s just go and get Chan,” Felix said, shaking his head. “I think you need to sit down for this.”

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


“You were right,” Seungmin said, his gaze distant and he wrapped his hands around his cup of coffee. “I did need to sit down for this,” he continued, staring into the cup. 

“It was… a lot,” Chan said, rubbing his temples. “I don’t know what to say except that.”

“I can imagine,” Seungmin said, nodding his head a little to himself. “But I guess it offered us some explanation on what is going on?”

“I guess so,” Felix said, biting his own lips and he frowned. “So what Chan and I can recall are multiple lifetimes because we’ve been involved with the Raven Queen since the beginning. And you remember one lifetime where you was directly connected to her in a way,” 

“I… I might have started to get some newer dreams,” Seungmin said quietly and Felix blinked. “I don’t know for sure but… but I’m pretty certain that I was human in the life I can remember the clearest.”

“You’re not human in the new dreams?” Felix asked, frowning.

“Not entirely,” Seungmin said, rubbing his temples. “I think at least.”

“What are you then?” 

“I think… I think I’m a half dragon?” he said, looking between Felix and Chan. “It sounds ridiculous but I’m pretty sure it’s a half dragon or something.” His shoulders slumped. “You know how Changbin and Hyunjin, in the lifetime I remembered, had half of their faces covered with scales. It was like that just… just more?”

“I believe you,” Felix said after a moment of silence. “I don’t dream a lot about that lifetime but I think I can recall your face… I don’t know…”

“But why am I dreaming about this? Why now?” Seungmin asked. 

Felix pressed his lips together, unsure of what to say.

“Maybe… Maybe it’s just because you’ve been a lot with me and Felix?” Chan suggested. Seungmin hummed, gaze distant as he stared into his cup. “Maybe it has something to do with the influences?”

“Maybe,” Seungmin mused, looking up from his cup. “But the Raven Queen didn’t know why you’re suddenly getting dreams?”

“No,” Felix said, shaking his head. “That will remain a mystery forever I think.”

“It’s odd to think that the Raven Queen, a literal deity, doesn’t have the answers,” Seungmin mused. “But she has someone who rules over her probably.” He turned to look at Chan. “And you had a lifetime where a deity wronged you, right?”

“Yes,” Chan said, jaw and shoulders tense as he spoke.

“They’re certainly not perfect either,” Seungmin said, letting go of his cup to rub his temples. “What do we do now?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that we kind of got the answers we could get,” Seungmin said, shoulders slumping a little. “She said she’d try to show up in mine soon so maybe I’ll ask her about the new dreams.”

“I guess that’s a plan,” Felix said, nodding his head. He took a deep breath. “For now I think the only thing we can do is to try and get on with our lives.”

“You’re right,” Seungmin said, bringing his cup up to his lips. He glanced at the clock. “I guess I should get going,” he said as he finished his cup. “I got a date with Changbin later and… I should take some extra time to get ready.”

“I’m glad the two of you are working out,” Chan said with a smile as Seungmin stood up. He still looked a bit dazed and sleepy but the soft expression and his genuine smile made Felix feel all warm and fuzzy, despite it not being directed to him. “You make Changbin very happy, you know.”

Seungmin’s ears turned pink and he cleared his throat.

“He…” He trailed off and licked his lips. “He makes me very happy too.”

“I’m happy for you,” Felix said as he stood up. “I’ll walk you to the door,” he said and Seungmin nodded. “Try and enjoy today and don’t think too much about this.”

“That’ll be a task,” Seungmin confessed and Felix nodded. He understood and he agreed. All this was far too much to just ignore.“But I’ll try.”

“That’s all I ask,” Felix said, giving Seungmin a little bump with his shoulder. 

Felix leaned against the wall as Seungmin began to get ready to leave. Felix should be embarrassed that he was still in pajamas but the night and the morning had been way too much for him to bother. He was free of any obligations today and he was going to stay in pajamas. 

“I’ll see you later then,” Seungmin said as he slung his bag over his shoulder. He was bundled up, ready to tackle the cold autumn day.

“I’ll see you,” Felix said, giving Seungmin a small wave. “Tell Changbin we said hi and please enjoy today.”

“I will,” Seungmin said with a wide smile as he pushed the door open. “Bye, Felix.”

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


“How are you and Woojin?” Felix asked, bringing the cup of hot chocolate to his lips. The coffee shop was silent as most people had already gone home, leaving him and Jisung alone with two more customers and the barista working the closing shift. 

“Pretty good,” Jisung said, his expression immediately brightening. “We’re still… you know,” he shrugged, “trying it out. The relationship. But it’s really nice.”

“No first kiss yet?”

“Not yet,” Jisung said, his cheeks turning the slightest bit of pink and he bit his lip in an attempt to hold back a smile. “But we hold hands and… and all that.”

“That’s cute,” Felix mused and Jisung hummed, finishing up his coffee.

“I really like him,” Jisung said, wide smile stretching on his lips. Felix couldn’t help but mirror the expression.

“I’m really glad you do,” he said. “I’m happy for you, Jisung.”

“Thank you, Felix,” Jisung said, pushing his cup away from him. “How are you and Chan?”

“We’re good,” Felix said, leaning back in his chair and he looked into his cup. Then he snapped his gaze up to meet Jisung’s. “Things has been… going on but we’re doing very good. Sleeping is getting better.”

“I’m glad,” Jisung said, resting his elbows on his table and his chin on his hands. “You two are very cute.”

Felix could feel his ears heat up and he averted his eyes again, feeling a bit embarrassed. He reached out and picked up his cup again, finishing his hot chocolate.

“Thank you,” he mumbled as he placed the cup back on the table. Jisung just laughed, turning to look out the window.

“It’s dark outside,” he noted and Felix hummed, looking out the window as well. “Maybe we should head home before it’s way too late.”

“Yeah, sounds like a pretty good plan,” Felix said and stood up. 

“Wouldn’t want Chan to worry too much,” Jisung said with a teasing grin. Felix just swatted his hand towards him, cheeks heating up and he put on his jacket. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow for lunch, right?” Felix asked, changing the subject as he wrapped his scarf around his neck. 

“Yeah,” Jisung said, hauling his bag over his shoulder. “I should be free for lunch. I’ll keep you updated on that one.”

“Please do,” Felix said as they two of them exited the shop.

“I’ll most likely see you tomorrow then,” Jisung said as he began to move to the right, up the street. Felix was heading left, down the street. “Let me know when you’re home so I can sleep peacefully.”

“I will if you promise you will,” Felix said and Jisung laughed, nodding his head. Felix gave Jisung a little wave. “Bye!” he said and then he turned to walk down the street.

Winter was approaching and the frost had begun to settle on the ground. Felix hid his face further into his scarf and stuffed his hands into his pockets. He needed to get a new pair of gloves before winter was here fully.

Street lights lit up the way back to his and Chan’s apartment, shining down on him with an orange glow. 

He walked at a brisk pace, wanting to get home and out of the cold quickly. He didn’t like to be cold. He really needed to pull out his winter shoes as well. Sneakers were too cold right now.

Relief washed over him as he entered the stairway to their apartment, the warmth returning to him and he began his climb up the stairs to their apartment.

The apartment was dark when Felix entered, save for the lamp in the kitchen and the faint light coming from Chan’s room. Felix dropped his bag on the floor and it hit the floor with a low thud. He quickly kicked off his shoes and removed his jacket.

As he padded across the floor and towards Chan’s room, he could hear the tapping on the laptop. He gently pushed the door open and peered inside.

Chan was hunched over the laptop, staring intently at the screen as the blue light reflected on his face. 

“Hey,” Felix said, stepping inside of the room. “Have you been working ever since I left to meet Jisung?” he asked, sitting down on Chan’s bed. Chan hummed, rubbing his eyes. “I left almost right after dinner. I’ve been out for a very long time,” Felix said with a frown on his face. 

“I had to finish some stuff,” Chan said, leaning back a little and turned to his computer. He quickly did something and then closed the lid. “I’m done now.”

“Good,” Felix said, wide smile on his lips. “Does that mean we can cuddle and maybe sleep?” he asked, leaning back to rest on his elbows on the bed. 

Chan snorted and shook his head, smile on his lips. 

“I’m sure we can arrange something like that,” he said and stood up from his chair. “You need to get into PJs,” he continued, playfully shoving Felix’s legs to the side. 

Felix laughed, sitting up again as Chan moved over to his wardrobe. He stared at Chan for a moment, watching his back as he removed his hoodie and tossed it to the side to instead pull out a worn T-shirt that had now been lowered to PJ level. 

“What are you looking at?” Chan asked, shirt just pulled over his head but not all the way down and he looked at Felix with a raised eyebrow. 

“I just…” Felix trailed off, unsure what he wanted to say to Chan. He had a lot he wanted to say so he had to settle for something. “I can’t believe I got you to agree to going to bed without any protests.”

Chan snorted and shook his head.

“You’re ridiculous,” he said and a warm feeling bloomed in Felix’s chest. He turned back to the wardrobe. “Go and change into your PJs so we can cuddle, you silly boy.”

Felix didn’t need to be told twice.

  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


_ He was in a large room with marble floor and a large window looking out over the garden outside. The garden seemed to tilt downwards a little, as if the building he was in was on a hill or something. Felix scanned the room, letting his eyes wander over the fireplace and the small, crackling fire. He continued to glance over the drawers before he settled his gaze at the bed. _

_ His heart sank. _

_ Somewhere within himself, he knew that this was it. He took a deep breath, a low wheezing sound breaking the silence in the room as he did. He sank further down into the soft mattress under him.  _

_ “Noachi,” Chan said and Felix turned his attention to look at him. Chan was sitting beside the bed, dressed in simple black robes. This Chan was blond, his curls messy and his eyes a piercing yellow. This was the Chan that could take the shape of a dragon. _

_ “Love,” Felix said, his voice weak as he held out a hand towards Chan. His body felt heavy and weak.  _

_ “Felix my love,” Chan whispered, bringing Felix’s hands to his lips. His lips were so warm against Felix’s cold skin. “Please don’t leave me, my little treasure,” he begged. _

_ “I have no choice,” Felix whispered, giving Chan’s hand a squeeze. “I didn’t have many years to live either way.” _

_ “This is not fair,” Chan said, anger making its way into his voice. Felix just hushed him. _

_ “My lifespan was nothing compared to yours. I made it past two hundred. That’s something to celebrate,” he said quietly and Chan blinked rapidly, his yellow eyes glossy in the warm light of the fire. “I almost got two hundred years with you.” _

_ “That’s not enough,” Chan whispered, his voice cracking at the end of his sentence. “How am I supposed to live a thousand years without you?” _

_ “You’ll move on,” Felix murmured. His vision was blurred with tears and he could feel himself starting to fade. His time was coming. “This is not the end. Don’t stop living.” _

_ “But-” _

_ “Continue to lead your kingdom. Be brave and face the world,” Felix said, his voice growing weaker as each word slipped past his lips. He couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore; his eyelids were too heavy. “Live and love… Please promise me.” _

_ There was a moment of silence and Chan inhaled sharply.  _

_ “I promise,” he said and Felix could feel a smile stretch on his lips. “I love you.” _

_ “I love you too,” he said, willing his eyes open to look at Chan; just one last time. Tears were rolling down Chan’s cheeks, his shoulders slumped. “I’ll always be with you…” he added, taking a deep breath as his eyes closed again. “You’re the love of my existence.” _

_ And with that, everything faded to black. _

  
  


 

 

 

Felix sat up, eyes wide and heart rapidly beating in his chest. He was breathing heavily and he placed a hand on his chest, palm pressing down over his heart to make sure it was still beating inside his ribcage.

He was still alive. It was okay. It was just a memory.

He sat there for a moment, letting his heartbeat calm down before he looked over to Chan’s side of the bed. He had expected to see Chan still asleep, or just not in bed beside him. But Chan was sitting on the side of the bed, his bare back turned to Felix. 

Just as Felix was about to call for him, a sob echoed in the quiet room. 

“Chan?” Felix asked carefully, wanting nothing but to reach out for Chan. Chan paused, his body freezing in place but he didn’t turn around nor did he reply. 

Worry was rising in Felix’s gut and he took a deep breath as he got off the bed. Without a word, he walked around the bed to Chan’s side of it. Chan wasn’t looking at him; he simply kept his gaze fixed at the floor and his head low.

“Chan?” he repeated, crouching down in front of Chan to be able to get eye contact. The look in Chan’s eyes was distant, his eyes glossy and cheeks tear stained. It wasn’t until they made eye contact that Chan seemed to snap out of his daze.

“Felix,” Chan breathed, his voice cracking and he seemed to small it broke Felix’s heart. 

“What’s going on?” Felix asked, his chest feeling tight and his eyes becoming glossy. His heart hurt. “Why are you crying?” he asked, his voice wavering.

“You died,” Chan whispered, reaching out a trembling hand to place it on Felix’s cheek. “Y-you died.”

“I’m right here,” Felix whispered, taking Chan’s hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“You died and I… I was alone for so long,” he said, pausing for a moment. “I was… I don’t know how long I lived without you. Years and years passed, decade after decade…” 

He sounded so hurt as he spoke. It broke Felix’s heart. 

“You don’t have to tell me if it’s too much,” he said, moving to sit on the bed beside Chan. He still held onto Chan’s hand. Chan tightened his grip of Felix’s hand.

“Hyunjung… my older sister in that life… she- she died too,” he said, his gaze distant and voice still so broken. “She was the queen. I don’t know for how long she ruled but I know she… she did it well. But then she died and I was the king.”

“Chan…”

“And then war between the dragons broke out,” he said and Felix startled, a memory returning to him.

_ The hundred year war of the great wyrms. _

_ He suddenly remembered sitting in the temple of Ehlonna, on his knees in the classroom while his teacher talked about the war that ended the second age. Tiamat, the five headed dragon of evil had tricked the chromatic dragons into joining her, starting with the green dragons. They had betrayed the black dragons and after a decade of war, the black dragons had also been turned to fight against the metallic kind. _

_ His memory suddenly returned to Hyunjin and Changbin. Thousand years ago, when the two had been two draconic sorcerers, hiding their scales from the society that hated them. _

Felix blinked snapping out of his memories.

“What happened in the war?” he asked, his stomach twisting. He knew what life Chan was referring to. The one where Felix had been a simple half elf, his ears cut off in an attempt to hide his identity and save his life, and Chan had been the prince of all the dragons.

A black dragon.

He swallowed hard. What if Chan had turned against the metallic dragons in the war?

“I died,” Chan said, the words so void of any emotions. “I was killed, maybe fifty years into the war.”

Felix didn’t know what to say. He only tightened his grip of Chan’s hand.

“But I… I never met you again. It took me so long before I met you again,” he whispered, voice cracking. 

“I’m so sorry,” Felix said, leaning his head against Chan’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry it took me so long to find you again.”

Chan held onto Felix’s hand in a tight grip. 

Felix held onto Chan’s hand. 

He never wanted to let go.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  


“You know,” Minho said as he, Felix and Hyunjin were sitting on the floor, stretching. “I’m glad you and Chan got together.”

“Oh,” Felix said, blinking in surprise. “Thank you.”

“I talked to Chan,” Minho continued and Felix raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue. “And I got the impression that he sleeps a lot more now.” 

“He got less eyebags,” Hyunjin butted in and Felix snorted.

“I guess you’re right,” he said, small smile on his lips. His heart fluttered in his chest at the mere thought of Chan. “He does sleep more. It’s not always great.” He thought back to the night before, when both of them had woken up and then been unable to sleep again. His stomach churned and his heart squeezed at the memory. “But it’s better than before.”

“That’s great,” Minho said, wide smile on his lips. 

“I was really worried about the two of you for a while there,” Hyunjin said, joining the conversation. Minho hummed in agreement. 

“There’s nothing to worry about now,” Felix assured them. “It’s getting better, I promise.”

“I’m glad it is,” Hyunjin said, nodding his head a little to himself. He was silent for a moment and then he looked at Felix. “You and Chan are kind of like soulmates.”

“We are?” Felix asked, raising an eyebrow. Hyunjin wasn’t  _ wrong _ but… “How?”

“I don’t know,” Hyunjin said with a shrug. “You just give off those vibes, you know?”

“You fit very well together,” Minho said and Felix could feel his cheeks heating up. “But maybe that’s because you’ve been friends for so long.”

“Soulmates,” Hyunjin said and Felix let out a protesting sound. “Definitely soulmates. Meant to be and all that.”

Minho cooed at Felix, reaching out to pinch his cheek. 

“What are you doing with my boyfriend?” a voice asked and they all turned to see Chan standing in the doorway to the practice room, arms crossed over his chest and leaning against the doorframe. “He looks like a tomato.”

“He’s very cute,” Minho said as Felix scrambled up on his feet to grab his things. 

“He is, isn’t he?” Chan said.

“Stop,” Felix whined as he kicked off his dance shoes and pulled out his winter shoes. “You’re embarrassing me.”

“I’m your boyfriend,” Chan said, amusement lacing his voice. “I have rights.”

Felix muttered something, his face on fire by now and both Minho and Hyunjin laughed at him.  _ Traitors. _

“I can’t believe you’re all set on making me feel embarrassed today,” he grumbled as he straightened his back. He pulled on his thick jacket and zipped it up. 

“We’re your friends, Felix,” Hyunjin said with a shrug but with a smug grin on his lips. “It’s our job.” 

“I don’t like this,” Felix said as he slung his bag over his shoulder.

“Deal with it, pipsqueak,” Minho said and Felix let out an offended gasp. Chan laughed and began to pull Felix out of the room.

“I swear I will get my revenge!” he called into the practice room while Minho and Hyunjin just called back a ‘sure’ mixed with laughter.

“Your face is really pink,” Chan said after a moment as they had exited the room. Felix whined and hid his face in his scarf. “You’re very cute.”

“Shut up.”

“What were you even talking about to make you this embarrassed?” Chan asked. 

“They said we’re like soulmates,” Felix muttered into his scarf.

Chan was silent for a moment before he spoke up again.

“I mean they’re not wrong-”

“I know they aren’t,” Felix said, looking up from where he was hiding. Chan was looking at him, eyes soft and smile warm. He reached out to gently coax Felix’s hand out of his pocket so he could hold it. “I don’t know I just got embarrassed.”

“Very cute.”

“Stop it,” Felix whined and Chan laughed again, giving Felix’s hand a squeeze. “Let’s just go home.”

“Yeah, let’s go home,” Chan said in agreement. “Soulmate,” he added, grin widening as Felix whined in protest.

He didn’t admit that his heart fluttered a little at the nickname.

Soulmate.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_ He was dreaming. Felix was standing in a bright space. A large and empty void filled with bright light. He looked around, confused and lost. It was pure white and bright around him but it was as if something was moving behind everything, as he could see gray shadows moving every now and then.  _

_ “Hello?” he called out, turning around to see if there was anyone there. He was alone but before fear could begin to creep up on him, a figure appeared in front of him. _

_ It was… him?  _

_ It looked like him, almost like a mirror but still not. The Felix in front of him was looking to be a bit older, his features just a tad bit more delicate and almost feline. His hair was brown and the tips of his ears were jagged, as if they had been cut off. _

_ “I caused you a lot of pain, didn’t I?” the other Felix spoke softly. He lifted his hand to brush it up the delicate lace shirt he was wearing, up to his neck. Felix hadn’t thought of it but he could clearly see scars crawling up the other Felix’s neck.  _

_ “Who are you?” Felix asked, voice trembling. _

_ “I am you... kind of,” the brown haired Felix replied, hand dropping to his side. “I know things are confusing and I’m so sorry it had to be you.” _

_ “What’s happening? Why am I… Why do I have these dreams?” _

_ “I was alive thousands of years ago,” the brown haired Felix began. “During a time where magic still flourished. I met Chan and…” he trailed off, a smile playing on his lips. “And we fell in love… You saw the temple and you spoke to the Raven Queen, didn’t you?” _

_ “Y-yes.” _

_ “We found the temple of Istus and the Raven Queen and we… and we made a promise to each other. Chan vowed to be by my side for all eternity and I vowed to always find him, no matter what. By the blessing of the Raven Queen, we were bound for eternity.” _

_ “She… she told us that,” Felix whispered, voice small and the brown haired Felix nodded, a smile on his lips. “She said she didn’t have all the answers to my questions though… Has any other… me… version of us… remembered anything?”  _

_ Brown haired Felix shook his head.  _

_ “No dreams?” _

_ “You’re the first one,” he replied and Felix nodded slowly. “But there are…” he trailed off and looked around the white space. “While I’ve… you’ve… lived so many lifetimes, there were a few that… stood out.” _

_ “Those are the dreams?” Felix asked and the brown haired Felix nodded. “Why are these lifetimes special?” _

_ “Because of the connection to the Raven Queen or the amount of magic present in the lifetime,” the brown haired Felix said. “Some lifetimes we interacted with her more directly than others.” _

_ “Oh,” Felix said and just as he opened his mouth to say something, a gentle chime filled the air and the brown haired Felix shifted his eyes from Felix to look behind him, a smile on his lips as he did. Felix spun around, eyes widening as he came face to face with another version of himself. _

_ This one was vastly different from Felix, despite having the same vibrate autumn hair color. He was a bit shorter than Felix, features identical to Felix’s and dark brown eyes with small specs of silver in them. It looked like his eyes held stars. He had a pair of antlers, various ornaments adorning them and chiming as he moved his head. His hair was almost falling in his eyes but under his bangs, Felix could make out a white marking of an upside down triangle and a line of white went down the bridge of his nose. He was wearing clean but worn pale green robes and a silver necklace  _

_ “Hello Felix,” he said, in Felix’s own voice and Felix took a step backwards as he looked between the two. “No need to be afraid,” he continued, his voice soothing and Felix swallowed hard. This was getting more and more confusing by the second.  _

_ “This is…” he said as he looked between the two, “very overwhelming.” _

_ “Understandable,” the orange haired Felix said, reaching out to brush his fingers over Felix’s hair. As he reached out, Felix could see the golden marks on his hand gleam softly in the light. “You certainly got the short straw,” he continued and Felix blinked. “None of us remembered any of our past lives before…” he trailed off, taking a deep breath. “Not until we reached this place at least.” _

_ “What is this place?” Felix asked, looking around.  _

_ “It’s a… place of existence only for pieces of you,” the brown haired Felix said slowly and Felix nodded. “I can’t think of another way to describe it. We’re rarely… conscious. If that makes sense? We’re all dead but we’re sometimes aware of what our present self is up to.” he trailed off and shrugged. “Time does pass very differently here though.” _

_ “Are there… more of you? Me?” _

_ “We have one more very frequent visitor here… the other versions of you are not… as talkative. Some might show up every now and then but we’re three major ones, I’d say,” the orange haired Felix said, looking around the space.  _

_ “So,” a new voice, the same as Felix’s, said and the two others just sighed.  _

_ The brown haired one just pinched the bridge of his nose while the orange haired Felix shook his head, the ornaments in his antlers chiming gently.  _

_ Another version of himself stepped closer, grin on his lips as he glanced at the others before fixing his gaze at Felix. This Felix was blond, his face slim and among the four of them, he was the tallest. He was wearing a long, white robe or dress made of flowy, soft fabric and large, see-through sleeves. He studied Felix with sharp, deep brown eyes. _

_ “Is this the current version of us?” he asked, his voice just the slightest bit lower than Felix’s own. _

_ “Yes,” the orange haired one said. “He’s confused so please be nice to him.” _

_ Felix looked between the three versions of himself. _

_ “I’m very overwhelmed right now,” he said with a small voice and all three hummed. “I… Why am I having these dreams?” _

_ “I can’t answer that,” the brown haired Felix said, shaking his head and his shoulders slumped. “I’m really sorry…” He trailed off and looked to the other two. “But no one before you have ever had dreams about this.” _

_ “Oh.” _

_ “How is Chan?” the blond Felix asked, crossing his arms over his chest.  _

_ “He’s… he’s doing okay,” Felix said, blinking in confusion. The blond nodded, looking satisfied with the answer. _

_ “This might be a lot,” the orange haired Felix said, taking a step forward. The ornaments in his antlers chimed as he moved. “But I… I just want to ask a favor of you.” _

_ “I… sure? I’ll try to help?” _

_ “Please tell Chan that I’m okay. Maybe… Maybe he’ll have the chance to meet his predecessors and then he might be able to relay that to my Chan.” _

_ “I’ll… I’ll tell him that,” Felix said, jumping in surprise as the orange haired version of himself took his hand. He held Felix’s hand in both his, his hands so warm and emitting a soft, golden glow.  _

_ “And when you have the chance, please ask him…” he trailed off and swallowed hard. “Ask him if he’s happy.” _

_ Felix swallowed hard and nodded, his heart sinking a little in his chest as his mind began to race. Was this how he and Chan would end up too? Separated for the rest of eternity? _

_ “I feel bad for using you as our messenger,” the brown haired one said and Felix turned to look at him. “But as you can see,” he gestured to the open space around them, “we don’t have a way to contact any of our Chans.” _

_ “If I can help, I will help,” Felix said, his voice steady and the brown haired one smiled. He took a step forward and placed a hand on Felix’s cheek. As he brushed a thumb over Felix’s cheekbone, Felix could feel the rough, burned skin.  _

_ His heart twisted a little at the memory of where he’d gotten the scars from. _

_ “Would you mind telling Chan that I am sorry,” he said, his voice was slow and it was as if he was struggling to keep it steady. Felix could see his eyes becoming glossy. He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry that I left him alone for so long. If I could have prevented it in any way, I would. I never wanted him to be alone, especially not for that long. My soul was resting for so long while it waited for his. We’re born together. My soul shall always wait to find his. And I am truly sorry for leaving him too early.” _

_ “I’ll… I’ll tell him that,” Felix said, swallowing hard. He was starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed at this moment. He took a deep breath. _

_ “Tell him when the time is right,” the brown haired Felix said, brushing his thumb over Felix’s cheekbone again. “No need to rush. You have time. I know this is a lot.” _

_ “It is,” Felix agreed and the brown haired one pulled away from him with a smile. _

_ “While you’re taking requests,” the blond one said, stepping up to Felix. Felix didn’t miss the way the two others rolled their eyes at him. He brushed some of his longish, blond hair behind his ear and looked down at Felix. He was taller. Not by a lot, but enough to look down at Felix.  _

_ At initial glance, all three had been identical to Felix, but as they got closer, he realized that they were slightly different. The orange haired one was more narrow built than Felix, had rounder eyes than the others and a smaller, rounder face. The brown haired had a round face but his eyes slimmer and more cat like, but he was broad shouldered and seemed to be strong. _

_ The blond one had a slimmer face, along with thicker lips, broader shoulders and sharp, very cat like eyes. _

_ Felix almost felt small under his gaze as he studied him.  _

_ “Please be nice to him,” the orange haired one said, ornaments chiming as he shook his head. _

_ “You’re pretty,” the blond one said, brushing the back of his fingers over Felix’s cheek. _

_ “Th-thank you?” Felix said and the blond chuckled.  _

_ “I’m sure we’ll see each other again,” the blond said, pulling his hand back from Felix’s face to instead hold his hand. “I hope we’ll see each other like this again at least.” _

_ Felix nodded without a word. He swallowed hard. _

_ “I won’t say too much. Just please tell Chan, when you can, that I still love him with all my heart and my soul,” the blond said, the playful expression falling off his face for a second. “I will always love him.” He smiled. _

_ “I’ll tell him,” Felix said, nodding and the other smiled, tightening his grip of Felix’s hand a little.  _

_ “I’m glad you and your Chan finally realized your feelings. It was getting rather annoying to see you so obviously in love,” he said and Felix sputtered. _

_ “You saw that?” he asked, his cheeks heating up in embarrassment.  _

_ The blond Felix grinned, patting Felix on the cheek.  _

_ “We see glimpses of our current life sometimes,” he explained, tapping Felix on the nose. He turned to look out over the open, white space. “I am from one of the later lifetimes, so I have not had the chance to see much.” _

_ “It’s nothing special,” the brown haired Felix butted in. _

_ “You get used to it,” the orange haired said. _

_ “I quite like it,” the blond one said. “It’s always a pleasure to see how different we are each life time.” _

_ The other two rolled their eyes. _

_ “One time, we were born as a fire wielder,” the blond one continued and Felix blinked.  _

_ “But I… I never dreamed of that? I think?” he said, eyes flickering over to the brown haired one and to the scars that covered his hands and neck. “I never dreamed of fire except…” He trailed off.  _

_ The brown haired nodded, his expression serious.  _

_ “It seems like the ones who aren’t here and conversing like we are didn’t make much of an appearance in your dreams,” he said and the orange haired nodded in agreement. “But who knows, maybe one of the dreams with fire was from his memory and not mine.” _

_ “Have you had a lot of dreams about other things?” _

_ “I don’t know?” Felix said, furrowing his brows. “It’s kind of like a puzzle and I don’t know what pieces are going where… I dreamt of grand kingdoms sometimes, and other times I dreams of small farms. I don’t know where to put everything.” _

_ “That’s alright,” the orange haired one said, his voice gentle. As he spoke, Felix noted how his voice seemed to be just the slightest higher than the rest of them. “You don’t need to make sense of everything right now. And I’m very sorry that we can’t be of more help to you right now.” _

_ “That’s okay,” Felix said, looking between the three of them.Then he met the blond ones gaze. “What about the fire wielder? Do you know more?” _

_ “You’re curious. Very cute.” The blond reached out to run his fingers through Felix’s hair. “He had hair much like yours, but curly. He’s absolutely adorable.” _

_ “I don’t think he’ll be happy to hear you talked about him,” the brown haired Felix said.  _

_ “He’s never really here to converse with us,” the blond said, waving his hand in the air.  _

_ “That’s because you’re here,” the orange haired muttered.  _

_ “What I meant by all this was,” the blond said, ignoring the other two and their mutters. “Is that we sometimes can see what present us are up to. I quite like that.” He patted Felix on the cheek again. “You’re a very good person, Felix.” _

_ “I- Thank you?” Felix said, tilting his head a little. “That felt weird, taking it from myself.” _

_ “I get that,” the blond one said, smile still on his lips and he took a step back. The three of them looked around the white space. _

_ “It seems like your about to wake up,” the orange haired one said, clasping his hands together. “Please tell Chan that we love still love him.” _

_ “I-I will,” Felix said, anxiously looking around.  _

_ Much like it had when the dream with the Raven Queen was about to end, the space around him began to dim and close in on them. It almost made him feel claustrophobic as it pushed closer and closer.  _

_ “Will I see you again?” he asked, turning to the three of them. For a split second, he could swear that he saw just the faintest shadows of more versions of himself. He had no chance to make out hair colors or features, but he could see them. _

_ His heart skipped a beat. _

_ “I’m sure we will,” the brown haired Felix said, warm and comforting smile on his lips. He closed his eyes for a second and gave Felix a small bow.  _

_ “Go back to your Chan,” the blond said, nodding his head. “Give him some extra love from us.” _

_ “Safe travels to the waking world,” the orange haired one said, also bowing his head. He looked up at Felix again, stars gleaming in his dark eyes and a smile lingered on his lips as he added: “little one.” _

_ Then the world of light became dark. _

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

  
  


Felix’s blinked awake and lifted his head from Chan’s chest. He had fallen asleep. He blinked a few times, trying to return to the waking world. His mind was spinning, trying to wrap around everything that had just happened in his dream. 

He had met himself. So many versions of himself. He had spoken to the people’s whose memories he was reliving through his dreams.

“Tired?” Chan asked, breaking his train of thoughts and Felix turned to look at him. He hummed, nodding his head a little. His mind was so occupied trying to process the dream he’d just had. “Maybe we should go to bed and you can sleep for real,” Chan continued. Felix hummed again, moving his free hand to rub his eye with a small whine.

Chan’s hand was warm as he held onto Felix’s, fingers laced together. Music from Chan’s laptop was playing quietly. It was some music from a movie he had seen and Felix, despite not having seen the movie, really enjoyed the music and didn’t mind it playing. 

“I had a really weird dream,” Felix said, resting his head on Chan’s chest again. “I saw and got to talk to the past versions of myself.”

“You what?”

“You know, like the brown haired half-elf, the orange haired half-dryad, those versions of me,” Felix said and Chan hummed a confused hum. “I got to talk to them.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“What did they… what did they say?”

“They mostly just… cleared things up I guess, I don’t really know,” Felix said, brushing his thumb over Chan’s hand. “They had a lot of things they wanted to tell you.”

“Oh?”

“The brown haired wanted to apologize for leaving you alone for so long, he never wanted to leave you alone for so long. He said that his… my soul would always wait and find yours,” he said, tightening his grasp of Chan’s hand. “The orange haired wanted to know if you’re alright. He said that he’s okay and he wanted to know whether or not his Chan was happy. And the blond just wanted you to know that he still loves you with all his heart. He’s happy that we finally realized that we’re meant to be and he wanted to let his Chan know that his heart longs for him.”

“That’s…”

“It was a very bizarre dream,” Felix said and Chan let out a short laugh. “I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow morning. When I’m more awake.”

“I can imagine,” he said.

They fell into silence and let the music from the laptop fill the room. Felix remained with his head on Chan’s chest, listening to his calm and steady heartbeat. 

“Felix,” Chan said, chest vibrating as he spoke and Felix hummed, looking up. Chan was craning his neck a little to look at Felix. 

“Chan,” Felix said, giving Chan’s hand a squeeze. 

“If…” he trailed off, taking a deep breath. “If you look me in the eyes, what do you see?”

Felix tilted his head a little, shifting a little so he came face to face with Chan. Chan groaned under his weight, his head dropping back onto the pillow. Felix stared into his warm, brown eyes. He remained silent, just studying Chan’s eyes and his free hand came up to brush his fingers gently over Chan’s warm cheek.

“I see…” he whispered, his chest feeling tight as all memories flashed before his eyes. “I see a dragon prince who risked everything to protect me,” he continued, leaning down to press a gentle kiss on Chan’s lips. “I see a soul so broken and torn by evil, who tried his absolute best to do good… and who did so good.” He nuzzled his nose against Chan’s, exhaling shakily. “I… I see a prince who loved me with everything he had.” He swallowed hard, emotions building up in his chest. “And I-I see the love of my existence. I see the person who has walked beside me over multiple lifetimes.”

Chan moved his hand, placing it on Felix’s cheek and he let his thumb brush over Felix’s cheekbone. Felix blinked, vision a bit blurry; he hadn’t noticed that tears had welled up in his eyes. 

“If you… look into my eyes, what do you see?” Felix asked, voice barely a whisper. Chan studied his face for a moment, eyes locking with Felix’s.

“I see a half elf who saved me from death,” he began, gently guiding Felix’s face closer to his, pressing a soft kiss on his lips. “I see a beacon of hope who found me when I was lost, about to be consumed by darkness.” He exhaled, his breath hitting Felix’s lips in short puffs of air. “I see the most beautiful prince in the world who brought so much joy and love into my life,” he whispered and Felix pressed another short kiss on his lips. “I see someone I promised my soul to. Someone I want to walk beside, through all my lifetimes until my soul falls into an eternal slumber.”

“I love you,” Chan whispered.

Felix’s heart stuttered in his chest. 

“I love you too.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus christ hello. I hope people still read this fic orz I'm so sorry about the lack of updates. I've been plotting and writing my own novel o<-< it took up way more time than expected... bUT HERE IT IS. SECOND LAST CHAPTER.
> 
> Ily so much if you're reading this <3 thank you <3
> 
> you can find me at pinkpunchmango on twt and cc!


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